Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Irrationality is my nationality

Ok I will have a post coming soon regarding the wedding and honeymoon, etc. but I'm still working on it and it's taking me a while. So in the meantime, I thought I'd take a load off and really let loose about things that I have irrational responses to. So this is me, blowing off some Tuesday night steam! I've got a bottle of Dos Equis to my left, a sleeping Heidi to my right, and Bravo on my tv. And we're ready to blog!

This year was the first time I've spent the 4th of July in a place where residents can legally purchase fireworks. I hated it. I had actually spent the weekend in Minneapolis, but arrived back in Omaha at 11pm on the 4th. What I arrived home to was nothing short of shocking. (side note: yes, I realize there are plenty of people who are used to this whole maniacal celebration and think I'm being dramatic. Nay. I am being IRRATIONAL. Duh. Read on.) Honestly the first thing that came to mind when I pulled into my driveway was "oh my gosh it's the riots in Egypt all over again" Seriously, who thinks that? I was wondering if I had missed something during my 2 days away and if my fellow residents of Omaha were suddenly trying to overthrow our government. And if someone had lit a car of fire to further light up the night, I wouldn't have been surprised. I super freaked the eff out and was miserable. Heidi was with me on the misery train: she made a big deal about her medicine and was literally spitting and panting. She basically went crazy. Happy independence day!

Anni the Irish Brazilian
If you're lucky enough to be a friend with whom I discuss my lady bits situation, you've probably heard about Anni the Irish Waxer. Yes, she is from Ireland and has a super cute accent. She's also just really zen: she has this soft little voice and is just a calming force. Anni the Irish Waxer is one of my favorite people in Omaha and is the most soothing portion of my life here. We spend roughly 25 minutes together every 5 weeks and she listens to me chat about my life while she does her waxing thang. If any of you ladies have had the joyous experience of getting a bikini wax, you know how freakishly personal it is... super quick. Like "Hi, nice to meet you, take off your pants and let me shine a bright light [sometimes with a magnifying glass attached] on your lady bits. Thanks, that'll be [at least] $50." And yes, I directed that last example at the ladies because if there are any men relating to this situation, I have two things to say to you: 1. I'm sorry, did you get lost? What are you doing here at this blog? and 2. You get your junk waxed? You are now REQUIRED to stop reading this blog because you are surely not welcome here. But back to the subject at hand... Anni the Irish Waxer. Tonight was my most recent visit to Anni and she caused me to suffer a heart attack. She casually mentioned that she's planning to leave the salon she works at! I died. I cannot be without Anni. If I could move her and her family out to Phoenix with us when we move back, I would! Luckily, Anni followed up her mention of leaving with the fact that she'll be opening up her own salon across town. I would follow you to the end of the earth, Anni! So have no fear, I will still be able to see Anni the Irish Waxer for another year! (AND she'll be lowering her prices!! SCORE!!)

Pitiful Advice
I'm not always good at accepting advice. I usually feel like my own opinion is going to work just fine and I don't really care what you have to say about it. I occasionally ask for advice, but only from those whose opinions I value [or, more honestly... actually give a shit about] But recently I've been getting a lot of unsolicited advice! But it's been handed out as something even worse than advice: pity! People are discovering that Dane and I are currently spending our first 2 months of marriage apart. Here's the situation: I have a job at a bank and while I get a great amount of paid time off, I don't have enough PTO to take the entire summer off work. So the day after we got back from our honeymoon, I flew back to Omaha to get back to work. Now Dane had to get some more medical world experience this summer. He needs to have his medical resume built up as strongly as possible to when he applies for residencies he actually has something to show for his years of work. The position he got for the summer happened to be in Phoenix because he already knew several doctors there and was able to get the same job he worked last year before we moved. So he's working in Arizona and doing what he needs to do while I am working in Omaha and doing what I need to do. But you know what? We are already aware of how much this situation sucks. We didn't decide to spend our first summer as a married couple like this for funsies. We're doing this because we have to and it would suck a whole hell of a lot more if he didn't get the experience he needs this summer and then can't get a residency after graduation. It would make paying off those student loans KIND of tough. So when random people go on and on about how awful our current situation is and how much it must suck, I want to punch you in the throat. But I've harped on that before. What really makes me want to tell them off is when they try to ascertain relationship details about "how we're doing". I put that last one in quotes because you have to read it in the same "how are you doing" tone that people use when they ask it of cancer patients. The most common is "so do you guys talk on the phone a lot?" I'm sorry, why do you want to know that? Because I have to EXPLAIN my answer and I'm sick of doing so. No, we don't talk on the phone a lot. You know why? Because neither of us really enjoy talking on the phone. We're both pretty business-y when we're making phone calls. Yes, we have still kept in touch while we're apart. But we text. We e-mail. Maybe we'll start BBMing. We'll see. But no, I'm not "worried" about us. We just freaking got married! If two months a few states apart were going to break us, we probably shouldn't have gotten married because this definitely isn't going to be the toughest thing we face as a couple. So kindly eff off and go ask someone else how much she and her husband love each other. Me and mine are good to go.

You all know that I'm a grammar nazi, but I don't think everyone understands how seriously irritated I get. Poor grammar/general English skills get under my skin like few things can. Of course I'm aware that I certainly don't know/follow every rule there is. But I do think I do a pretty good job, save for my "creative license" with sentence structure, etc. when blogging. Anyway, back to the task at hand: my BIGGEST irritation is the made up word "disrespected". WHERE did this awful word come from?! I'll tell you: the hood. Sorry uneducated losers in the middle of a "that bitch slept with my man" cat fight, she's didn't disrespect you. She was either disrespectful or failed to show you respect. Using disrespect in such a made up form would be the same as saying she "ruded" you rather than saying she was rude to you. It is not possible to disrespect someone. It simply does not work that way. And no, I do NOT want to hear if this word has recently been added to the dictionary to "keep up with the times" because as far as I'm concerned it's still SUPER EFFING ANNOYING. And I've decided to stop overlooking such an egregious grammatical error. I am going to start correcting people. I don't care if I look like a psycho. I'm going to better the world, one made up word at a time!

Alright kids, that's all I have for now. I'll get to work on the wedding and honeymoon blogs so I can get those out to the masses! Hope you all had a great 4th and I promise to be a better blog updater in the future!!