Enviable Inevitably

The following collection is a list of things that are inevitable. As in... there is no chance of them not happening. Enjoy...


It Is What It Is...
If we've had a conversation before and you're an idiot, you've inevitably been subjected to me rolling my eyes and judging the shit out of you after you said something as stupid as "it is what it is." This ridiculous saying has got to be one of my biggest pet peeves. It doesn't mean anything and is a freaking waste of words. Why did you just waste precious seconds of my life by making me listen to that non-statement statement? It has absolutely no point and I hate having to hear it. I would much prefer if you simply said "I'm too dumb to come up with something to say, so let's just stand here in silence for a few seconds." I totally judge less for silence than saying something really stupid. Well, that might be a lie. I judge heavily either way. But I'd rather not have my ears assaulted by your dumbass tag lines.

Pinpointed pin drop awkwardness...
It is completely inevitable that a booming room will because pin drop silent at the most awkward of times. This was beautifully illustrated today when I attempted to make a doctors appointment from my desk at work. No, nothing's wrong with me, I simply need to get my prescriptions refilled and lady bits checked out, like I do every year! I chose a time when there were several other (loud) conversations going on in the branch so that I could make my call in anonymity and peace. But of course, as soon as the lady at the answering service asked "and for what do you need to be seen?" (let's be honest, her grammar wasn't that pretty, I corrected it) the room freaking fell silent so I had to awkward turn in my chair to the empty corner of my office and mumble out "um, i uh need my annual um pap smear..." Here's the worst part: it was only the ANSWERING SERVICE!! So then the real scheduling lady called me back later and I had to go through it all over again!! And of course, the room fell silent again when this new woman asked "what's the purpose of this visit?" So this time I just freaking went for it and responded "it's my yearly lady visit." I guess the bank customers are just going to have to deal with the fact that I have lady bits and they require checking out every year to keep me (and said bits) healthy!

Earth to DownToEarth...
If someone has ever uttered the words "I'm really down to earth"... they're not. Actually, this usually applies to anything someone says about themselves. This especially includes those AWFUL shirts that skanks were wearing in the early 2000s: "Hot" "Juicy" "Spicy" "Sexy". Um... no you're not. You're most likely a fugly betch. Pretty much if your shirt/email address/bumper sticker contains an adjective, I hate you. But if you make annoying statements about yourself such as "I'm a down to earth/easy going/normal/laid back person" I hear "I'm a high maintenance/stuck up/bitchy/difficult asshole." But thanks for letting me know by saying the exact opposite of reality, that was convenient.

Marital Bust. I mean Ass...
I'm sorry, is anyone surprised that the Kardashian/Humphries marriage didn't work out? This only further proves my point that the bigger the wedding, the weaker the marriage. When couples make a huge deal about their wedding and spend tons of money on it, it's because they don't want to focus on the actual relationship (probably because they both subconsciously know it's going to fail) So it only makes sense that because Kim and Kris had the biggest wedding ever (I mean REALLY? $10,000,000?!) they would have an epic fail of a marriage. I'm just wondering what their pre-marriage relationship was like. Because how severely do you need to be lying to yourself to convince yourself that marrying this person is a good idea only to "discover" 72 days later that it was a mistake? And they're saying that it's because Kim wouldn't move to Minnesota and Kris was a fame-chasing unemployed loser. Um... did NONE of that come up before you dropped $10M on a wedding?! (Yes, I know they didn't actually drop $10M on it, most of it was probably donated by celeb-hungry vendors.) Because I'm pretty sure that before you MARRY someone, you talk about where you want to live and what you want to be when you grow up. And yes, Kim, the NBA lockout was going on before you married that bum. And can we talk about how he's NOT THAT CUTE?! But did anyone expect this one to make it for the long haul? I mean REALLY!