Wednesday, December 15, 2010

I don't get it

As a blonde, there are many things I don't understand. Here are the ones that confuse/bother me the most:

Charmin Extra Strong: HOW HARD ARE YOU PEOPLE WIPING YOUR ASSES? I have never had this thought after doing my business: "Oh no! Pieces left behind! If only they made stronger toilet paper to accommodate my super human butt wiping strength!" It's a sensitive area people, be gentle! And it's not going to run away, it's your own stationary ass, you don't need to trap it. Simply clean up and move on. Calm down before you go there. I don't get it.

McDonald's McRib Sandwich: um... gross. For one thing, I'm never eating "rib meat" from McDonald's. But more importantly, why is it shaped like an actual rack of ribs? Most people are aware that a rack of ribs includes bones between the rib meat. So is McDonald's trying to simulate bones but instead of using actual bones, it's processed "rib meat"? That's horrifying. What would possibly posses someone to eat such a wretched piece of OBVIOUSLY fake food? I mean let's all be honest here, ALL of the food at McDonald's is fake, but at least it's shaped realistically like the real deal. McRib isn't something I'd touch with a ten foot pole. Fake meat shaped like bones. I don't get it.

Inappropriate suggestions for wedding registries: We have a few registries at different stores and one of them comes with suggestions about what to put on your registry. Great, right? Except some of them are completely inappropriate! A few of them are for lady shavers. Like I'm going to put that on my registry and say to every guest who looks at it "Hi wedding guest! Want to buy us this trimmer so I can keep up my lady bits?" Um... no thanks. WHO would add that to their registry? I feel uncomfortable enough adding an electric toothbrush to our registry! I need a new electric toothbrush and it's a totally normal thing, but it just feels too personal for a registry! Same goes for sheets! (We are, in fact, registering for sheets and an electric toothbrush, but it still feels weird). What employee thought that was a good suggestion? It's awkward! I don't get it.

Panda Express and their fork stinginess: Every couple of weeks Dane and I have Panda Express as our Friday night dinner "out". I pick it up on my way home from work. I get 2 3-item meals (don't judge how much I eat, I eat the leftovers the next day, jerks). Sometimes I go through the drive-thru, sometimes I go in an order at the counter. But it's always 2 meals. And every time they give me 1 or NO fork(s)! Do I look like I'm going to eat both meals? Come on! And when they don't give me any forks: am I supposed to eat both meals with my hands? The Pandas in AZ are pros at the fork distribution. They give you two napkins and a fork for every meal. Perfection. They're good at the fortune cookie hand out too. Not here. These rookies are new in town and it shows. Just hand out the number of forks equal to the number of meals I got. Why is this so difficult for them? I don't get it.

Dorothy Lynch salad dressing: For everyone who doesn't live in Nebraska or Iowa, Dorothy Lynch dressing is this hugely popular dressing that you can only find in the Midwest. Everyone here is obsessed with it. They talk about it like you're stupid for not knowing what is it and they're all shocked that it's not a national product. Um... here's the thing: it IS a national product. Except everywhere else, we just call it French dressing. So get off your Midwestern high horse and relax. We've all had it before but aren't obsessed with it because French dressing sucks. Stop acting like it's such a big deal, no one cares. I don't get it.

Husker football: The is by far the most annoying part of living in Nebraska. I don't mind the cold and I don't mind the snow, but the obsession with the local college football team makes me want to punch babies. It's a college football team. They're in the Holiday Bowl against Washington. I don't want to ruin the ending for you, but Nebraska's going to win. Get a hobby. Might I suggest building a Macy's or Nordstrom? Because I would much rather hear about those things than your silly football team. Maybe if they were a professional team, I'd care. But they're not, so I don't. Stop acting like Husker football is a religion. I'm Presbyterian, not Huskerian. I don't get it.

How Bravo thinks this new sham of a show The Fashion Show is somehow going to make up for their lack of Project Runway: Um... no. I don't know these people, I don't care about their designs, and I'd like to know why Iman is so angry all the time. You had the perfect fashion design show and you blew it. Don't try to make up for it now with Isaac Mizrahi. But you're lucky, this week's episode with the Housewives may have just saved you. But only because you got Dina from NJ. Don't think this success of me watching is going to continue for much longer. Why would you ever get rid of Project Runway?! I don't get it.

Those commercials for medical assistant schools: They always go something like this: "I used to hate my job, but then after a few short months at this craptacular school, I have a great job where I work alongside doctors!" Ok let's start off at the beginning on this one: I feel there are very few careers worth doing that take "only a few short months" of school to be prepare for. But that's not even the big picture here. The big picture is how we're supposed to believe that working alongside doctors is some kind of dream come true. Now if you happen to have a career that coincidentally is near where doctors work, (ie R.N.) then good for you. Your job is legit. But whatever it is that these "few short months" careers entail, I can assure you that the treat of working alongside a doctor is not going to make up for it. Because where is the prize in working alongside a doctor? You know who's going to be a doctor? Dane. You know who I would never want to work alongside? Dane. Clearly, I'm a pretty big fan of Daneish. In our at-home, non-work related lives. Dane wouldn't want to work alongside me and vice versa. I'm annoying and fake at work. Dane will be a stubborn, egotistical asshole at work. I pity the people who will have to work with him. At least in our relationship, I can tell him to shut the hell up and we can bicker and go back to having fun together. You can't do that at work. Especially if your coworker is a doctor and you went to school "for a few short months". Just sayin', that confrontation is not going to go your way or end in your favor. I don't care if this one makes me sound like an bitch with a bachelors degree. This bitch worked hard for that degree. Let's talk about people who are too lazy to go to real college. I don't get it.

People who "don't really watch tv": um... why the hell not? People who say crap like that are usually the most annoying people ever. And watching the Real Housewives or The Sing-Off never hurt anyone! So stop being pretentious and watch some freaking tv. Maybe it'll help remove that stick from your ass. And while you're at it, stop trying to talk to me about music like it matters. My favorite kind on music? Christmas music. So stop acting all hipster on me and leave me alone. Watch some Bravo and then we'll talk.  But not watching tv? I don't get it.

Why wine is so expensive: it's old grapes, right? They take grapes and smash them and then let them go bad while they sit in old barrels. Why does this gross process allow them to charge so much for a bottle of the fermented smashed grapes? I will admit, it's clearly delicious, so that adds some cost to the yummy, but where does the rest of the price come into play? Stop making me poor just so I can enjoy a glass of wine after a long day of dealing with the general public! Why must wine be so out of my budget? I don't get it.

Why iPhone users are such assholes. There's no story behind this one because everyone is fully aware of it. If you have an iPhone, you're probably an asshole. Congrats on being the friend that nobody likes. I don't care about all of the things your phone can do that my blackberry can't. I don't use my blackberry to its full capacity as it is, I don't need to add an annoying touch screen and an elitist attitude to become an iPhone user.  So suck it. If it's so simple and user-friendly, why are you such an asshole? I don't get it.

Alright folks, that's all I have for now. We all know there are millions of other things I don't get. These are simply the ones that stand out to me right now. Peace out from Omaha! And just in case I don't get the chance to blog before the holidays, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! (btw, eff you in advance to everyone who wishes me a "Happy New Year's". You're a grammatical idiot and I hate you)

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Our Christmas Letter

If we were one of those couples that sent out a Christmas letter to everyone we know, this is what this years would say. I will preface this with a reminder that we are NOT, I repeat: NOT one of those couples who send out a Christmas letter. For one thing, I'm not paying for stamps to update people on our lives. If you deserve/want to know, you'll call me and we'll talk because we're close personal friends. But the most important reason why we don't send out a Christmas letter is because we're not fucking annoying. I'm sorry, I know I don't usually blog that kind of language, but I felt it was necessary in this instance to properly convey my intense distaste for Christmas letters. Now don't get me wrong: I LOVE reading other people's Christmas letters. They're usually either super boring or super hilarious. The best of these is when they're not intentionally hilarious. A few years ago, a distant relative of ours sent out the most depressing Christmas letter I've ever seen. It included events in the year such as multiple family member deaths, the onset of blindness due to an illness, and the loss of a job. Um... maybe this was a good year to skip the Christmas letter. Because I just read it and was forced to kill myself because of the deep depression that came over me. Also, you're blind and unemployed, maybe save the money you spent on stamps to pay for dinner. Just sayin'... Ok, so here's our hypothetical Christmas letter. And I'm only doing this because 2010 has been such a cool year:

Well folks, 2010 has been a big year full of major changes for us!
The beginning of the year had us in Arizona, both working full time and savings our pennies for what we knew would be a lot of changes in the coming year. Dane was living in Tempe and working as an emergency room scribe at a couple different Valley hospitals. I was living with my parents in Paradise Valley and working as an assistant manager at Massage Envy while also nannying for a fantastic family who I now miss immensely!
April brought my birthday and not a whole lot else. Go 23!
May brought the first big change for us: Dane proposed! He put a lot of time and effort into planning a romantic evening for us and both impressed and surprised me. I have yet to come up with an abridged version of the proposal story but the general overview includes Trader Vic's for dinner, a gorgeous room at the Hotel Valley Ho, and a big box of every single tangible piece of our four year relationship. The ring is absolutely gorgeous and I revel in getting compliments on it quite regularly. (Many of these may be due to the fact that I unnecessarily flash it as much as possible. Any movement that CAN be done with my hand palm-down, IS done with my hand palm-down. I can't help it, my ring is gorgeous and I'm a slut for showing it off).
July brought our 4th date-i-versary (what I call our anniversary b/c we're not married so it's not really an anniversary) and our biggest change yet: we moved to Omaha, NE! (And Dane turned 23!)
August brought the start of medical school for Dane and he's been doing sensationally! His grades are very impressive and he's doing very well with the heavy work load. I am honestly so impressed with his work ethic. I always knew he was a good student, but his dedication to this is like he was born to be a med student.
We don't get to spend a whole lot of time together because his evenings and weekends are usually filled with studying, but we have dinner together most nights and sometimes get the chance to watch a football game together on the weekends.
September brought the start of my job! I hadn't looked much before we moved, so I feel especially blessed that I was only unemployed for a month! I spend my days at work and am enjoying learning more about the banking industry, but mostly I love having a place to get up and go to every day. (And yes, I'm specifically NOT mentioning where I work, because I would like to remain employed. Methinks some of the big wigs might not love my pointless blog mentioning their Fortune 500 company.) I spend my nights making dinners, watching tv, and drinking pinot noir. My partners in crime are Eddie, our dog and Heidi, our cat (but they don't get any wine, they're underage). My weekends are filled with either more work or laundry, cleaning, and errand running. Luckily work is right by a Target and a grocery store, so I can run mandatory errands on my lunch break or on my way home. My mom came to visit at the end of September and it was very much needed for me. It was nice to have a familiar face around Omaha and a buddy to go shopping with :)
October was full of training for me and lots of school work for Dane. I went to Oregon the first weekend of the month for my gram's birthday. It was great to see my extended family and get a weekend away from the stresses of work here in Omaha. The trip was super fun but too short! Dane and I didn't do anything for Halloween because he had a test the following day, so we celebrated by having an awkward dinner of latkes.
November brought Dane's first trip home since the move and he was very excited! He had a great few days home and I had a great few days with the house to myself. Don't get me wrong, I love Daneish, but I also love my alone time. Eddie and I went down to Kansas City for Thanksgiving to spend it with my MOH (for those of you not up on wedding abbreviations, that's Maid of Honor) Sam and her parents. It was a quick 24 hour trip so I could get back for work on Friday, but we both had a blast. Eddie loved getting attention from new people and I loved getting to be around my Midwestern family again. The downer to this trip was the speeding ticket I got in Iowa on the drive home. Yes, I got a speeding ticket ON Thanksgiving. Thanks to this, I will now NEVER spend money in Iowa. Congratulations Iowa! I have a shopping problem and you just screwed yourself out of it. Enjoy the speeding fine.
December has been good to us thus far. The Christmas spirit has hit me hard this year so I'm doing everything I can to spread Christmas cheer. I've roped some coworkers into adopting a senior citizen in need and am looking forward to delivering gifts to her! Another awesome perk of Christmastime is that my salon supports the Omaha Food Bank, so my canned food donation got me a free paraffin dip for my hands today! Sweet! I got rid of some food that we were probably never going to eat AND got to feel extra pampered! Christmas is absolutely my favorite time of year, so I've decorated our apartment with lots of twinkle lights and am probably annoying Daneish with my holiday mugs and tree-scented candles. I'm actually hoping for a big snow so I can have a white Christmas. (Well, Christmas week b/c I'll be in AZ on Christmas day). Dane is excitedly getting through the next couple of weeks of school before he gets to go home to AZ. I don't get to go home for very long, but my few days there will be great! We'll be taking our engagement pictures, having our food and cake tastings for the reception, and best of all: MY FIRST WEDDING DRESS FITTING!! I am beyond excited to see my dress and get to play with my shoes, etc. We're also going to make this the first Christmas we actually spend together. We usually don't cross paths on Christmas until nighttime, but we're going to try to combine things a little more this year, mostly because we're engaged and it's weird if we don't. It's just tough because we both love our own family celebrations and are not great at being flexible to fit in other events. Also, our families both live in the Valley, so we have a lot of stops to make for the holidays. But we're going to work on it because next year we'll be married and then it'll be REALLY weird if we don't spend Christmas together. We'll be back in Omaha for the New Year but haven't yet figured out how we'll celebrate. Probably our usual: sweats on the couch with pizza, watch the ball drop on tv, then bedtime. New Years Eve isn't really our holiday, but maybe we'll be more exciting this year. We'll see!
2010 has been a great year for us and I'm sure 2011 will be even better. We with you and yours a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! Feel free to come visit us any time you'd like! If you can handle the cold and snow, we'd love to have you!