Sunday, December 11, 2011

How Mindy Kaling saved Christmas

Mindy Kaling saved Christmas. I feel as though I should send her a gift basket. Possibly an Edible Arrangement. Nah, a Ghirardelli gift basket. You can just tell she'd be pissed if she received something as exciting as a delivered gift only to discover it's freaking fruit. But I digress. To begin, let me remind you who Mindy Kaling is. You all know, you just might not actually be able to match her face and name without this hint. She's Kelly Kapoor on The Office. Yeah, lightbulb moment for all of you. Anyway, she wrote this absolutely hilarious book and it changed my life. Ok, I'd say more like changed my month. But still, it affected me. Here's how it all shook out: I went to Kansas City this weekend to meet up with my bff Sam and her mom, Faith to see Kathy Griffin. Due to some lucky circumstances for me, Sam needed me to pick her up in Des Moines on my way down. (Des Moines is roughly 2 hours out of my way, but was totally worth it.) When I have any drive that will last over an hour by myself, I usually download an audiobook so I have something to focus on and follow while I'm super bored driving through cornfields. For this drive, I downloaded Kaling's new book, Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? (And Other Concerns). Now I have a preexisting condition of wanting to be bffs with any female celebrity I even remotely like. Obviously, my close, personal friendship with Mariska Hargitay is why I should be the new Detective Stabler on SVU. I mean, of course we would be fast friends and just spend all day laughing and gossiping on set and then going out to hip happy hours after work. But again, I digress. My immediate reaction to Mindy's (yes we're on a first-name basis) book is that we are SO besties!! She's obviously super funny and I found myself nodding frequently because I have either said those things myself, or they were just so funny that I immediately agreed. (Please reference the chapter where she lists the qualities of a best friend. It is perfection.) But what really made me fall in love with her is that her book allowed me to open up and appreciate something that didn't necessarily have a purpose, it was just fun and enjoyable. It also had me sitting in the car, outlining about 5 different blog topics (my favorite of which will be entitled "This is Why I'm Fat" Don't worry, I plan on actually going through with writing that one. It won't be super long because let's be honest, how much can one write about eating too much and exercising too little? But it'll be good). She inspired creativity in me that I hadn't realized I'd lost. I've mentioned previously how depressed winter makes me and that it simply puts a cloud over me until it's warm and sunny again. But Mindy's book started to thaw my frozen heart and encourage a playful vibe. But her book isn't the entire point of this blog. The entire weekend inspired such a positive change in me, I don't think I realized how much I had needed it until I was in it. So after enjoying the first half of the book, I stopped in Des Moines to join some of Sam's friends for dinner, then head down to KC with my real life best friend. We had 3 absolutely wonderful uninterrupted hours to talk, catch up, gossip, bitch, and just generally reconnect. Sam is already a friend that I'm actually pretty good about staying in touch with, and she's also the friend that I'm geographically closest to right now. We make a point to visit one another every couple of months. But the drive to KC just seemed needed. We didn't have to worry about annoying our significant others with our pointless chatter and could just be friends, being friends. We finally rolled into KC at 1am and got a few minutes to chat with her wonderful parents, then all headed to bed. Saturday morning was spent sleeping in, then having coffee, breakfast, and great conversation with Sam's dad while her mom taught a quick music lesson. (Her mom is the one who sang the beautiful song during our wedding ceremony. Ok, so now we're all on the same page.) Then the 3 of us girls leisurely got ready to go and went to The Plaza for a yummy lunch and some shopping. We all put ourselves into a food coma during lunch so our shopping was kind of half-hearted so we went home for a nap before going to the Kathy Griffin show. So of course, Sam and I took the opportunity to watch some Teen Mom 2 and wrap Christmas presents. Then we had a yummy snack and went to the show! We were all surprised but not shocked to see the crazies from Westboro Baptist Church protesting the show with their hateful signs about homosexuality. I don't really like the term "anit-gay" because it seems to give validity to the idea that there is a debate surrounding homosexuality. That's like being anti-blonde or pro-short people. It's not worth debating because there's nothing to debate! But seriously, I'm making a career of digressing. Back to the task at hand. Kathy was obviously hilarious and we all really enjoyed the show. Then Faith took us on a quick tour of pretty Christmas lights, which I totally loved.
What I have neglected to mention yet is the fact that I haven't decorated for Christmas. For those of you who know of my usual LOVE of Christmas, this is going to come as a shock. I just haven't really been in the mood this year. I seem to have lost my Christmas spirit. I did go so far as to take my 3 huge Rubbermaid tubs of decorations out of the closet, but they have since sat in the living room, untouched. No wait, I hung our jingle bell wreath on the front door, but this has been the extent of my "decorating". I did send out Christmas cards, but I had ordered those in early November, before I fell into my Christmas funk. And I think more of why I was into Christmas cards this year was that we got to use wedding pictures on them. If we'd had to actually take new pictures, I don't think they would have happened. I've been trying to pinpoint what it is that's keeping me from really getting into Christmas this year, and I think it's a combination of a couple things. First, it's simply because it's winter. But this is kind of a cop out because I loved Christmas last year and that was during winter, too ;) And being busy is crap, too because everyone is busy during the holidays. So I think what is really more the culprit is the fact that I won't be seeing my family this Christmas. I feel like a whiny little kid saying this, but it's been really hard for me to come to terms with it. This will be the first time that I won't see my parents and grandparents on Christmas. My brother and his family will be up in Portland with my parents while Dane and I will be spending Christmas in Phoenix with his family. I should clarify that I'm excited to spend Christmas with them, I've never done Christmas morning with Dane's family and I'm super excited to see how they celebrate. But I'm afraid that I'm going to get emotional or something and offend them or make them feel like I'm unhappy being there. When really I'm just a little brat who misses my parents. I'm a married woman in my mid-twenties and I want to spend every Christmas with my mom and dad for the rest of my life. I'm way crappier at the whole sharing holidays with each others families than I thought I would be. We spent Thanksgiving with my parents in Portland and I loved it. But it never really occurred to me that Dane might be missing his own family. And I'm excited to do Dane's traditions and see his family! I don't want to minimize the positive side of spending Christmas with them. I'm simply having a hard time letting go of my own traditions for this year. But I think it will be good for me. This is part of being married: compromising and sharing holidays are just part of the job. So I'm on board and I plan to fully immerse myself in it and be the kind of new member of the family I would want if the roles were reversed.
Being with Sam's parents really seemed to help me get back on board with Christmas. Their house was decorated so cute (Faith's theme this year was The Grinch. SO ADORABLE) and it was so nice to be able to spend time with and talk to the people who I consider my second set of parents. This weekend was so healing for me it was amazing. Saturday night after the show Sam, Faith, and I sat up, drinking wine and snacking and chatting. Just those 2 hours of what felt like family time was exactly what I needed. Sunday morning was again spent sleeping in, then having our usual coffee and breakfast chat. There are 3 things that come to mind when I think of Sam's house in KC: their breakfast nook, where we spend morning talking with her dad. Their living room, where we spend evenings talking with her mom. And her sister's room, where I sleep when we're there. It's really nice to have a room to myself to kind of relax and unwind, but Sam's right next door for when I want friend time.
Overall, it was a perfect weekend that was finished off by another 3 hour drive with my best friend, then another 2 hours with my new friend, Mindy Kaling.
So to rekindle my Christmas spirit, it took a book, a best friend, Christmas lights, and family time with my Midwestern family. I don't know if I will actually decorate this year, I might give myself a break on that and focus on making myself festive. But I'm definitely not trying to ignore Christmas like I was before. In fact, I think I might actually be looking forward to it. And I'm going to bring any of my own traditions that I can to Dane's family this year. My favorite being new pjs for Christmas morning. I just saw that my favorite flannel pjs at Victoria's Secret were on sale and had free shipping, so I got myself a cute new set of flannel jammies to keep that tradition going. (And a little retail therapy can't hurt either)
So Merry Christmas to all of you! I hope none of you have had to hunt for your Christmas spirit and are enjoying a festive holiday season. Also, I hope Mindy Kaling knows that her book has much more than simply on-the-surface entertainment value. And most of all, I hope that all my families (in Portland and Phoenix and Kansas City) know how much they mean to me and how important they are in my life, all in their own ways.

And P.S. I decided today that Tim Tebow is ruining God for me. That guy is such a freaking douche bag. Please find something else to do on the sideline because your stupid kneeling prayer is making it suck to be a fan of God.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Enviable Inevitably

The following collection is a list of things that are inevitable. As in... there is no chance of them not happening. Enjoy...

It Is What It Is...
If we've had a conversation before and you're an idiot, you've inevitably been subjected to me rolling my eyes and judging the shit out of you after you said something as stupid as "it is what it is." This ridiculous saying has got to be one of my biggest pet peeves. It doesn't mean anything and is a freaking waste of words. Why did you just waste precious seconds of my life by making me listen to that non-statement statement? It has absolutely no point and I hate having to hear it. I would much prefer if you simply said "I'm too dumb to come up with something to say, so let's just stand here in silence for a few seconds." I totally judge less for silence than saying something really stupid. Well, that might be a lie. I judge heavily either way. But I'd rather not have my ears assaulted by your dumbass tag lines.

Pinpointed pin drop awkwardness...
It is completely inevitable that a booming room will because pin drop silent at the most awkward of times. This was beautifully illustrated today when I attempted to make a doctors appointment from my desk at work. No, nothing's wrong with me, I simply need to get my prescriptions refilled and lady bits checked out, like I do every year! I chose a time when there were several other (loud) conversations going on in the branch so that I could make my call in anonymity and peace. But of course, as soon as the lady at the answering service asked "and for what do you need to be seen?" (let's be honest, her grammar wasn't that pretty, I corrected it) the room freaking fell silent so I had to awkward turn in my chair to the empty corner of my office and mumble out "um, i uh need my annual um pap smear..." Here's the worst part: it was only the ANSWERING SERVICE!! So then the real scheduling lady called me back later and I had to go through it all over again!! And of course, the room fell silent again when this new woman asked "what's the purpose of this visit?" So this time I just freaking went for it and responded "it's my yearly lady visit." I guess the bank customers are just going to have to deal with the fact that I have lady bits and they require checking out every year to keep me (and said bits) healthy!

Earth to DownToEarth...
If someone has ever uttered the words "I'm really down to earth"... they're not. Actually, this usually applies to anything someone says about themselves. This especially includes those AWFUL shirts that skanks were wearing in the early 2000s: "Hot" "Juicy" "Spicy" "Sexy". Um... no you're not. You're most likely a fugly betch. Pretty much if your shirt/email address/bumper sticker contains an adjective, I hate you. But if you make annoying statements about yourself such as "I'm a down to earth/easy going/normal/laid back person" I hear "I'm a high maintenance/stuck up/bitchy/difficult asshole." But thanks for letting me know by saying the exact opposite of reality, that was convenient.

Marital Bust. I mean Ass...
I'm sorry, is anyone surprised that the Kardashian/Humphries marriage didn't work out? This only further proves my point that the bigger the wedding, the weaker the marriage. When couples make a huge deal about their wedding and spend tons of money on it, it's because they don't want to focus on the actual relationship (probably because they both subconsciously know it's going to fail) So it only makes sense that because Kim and Kris had the biggest wedding ever (I mean REALLY? $10,000,000?!) they would have an epic fail of a marriage. I'm just wondering what their pre-marriage relationship was like. Because how severely do you need to be lying to yourself to convince yourself that marrying this person is a good idea only to "discover" 72 days later that it was a mistake? And they're saying that it's because Kim wouldn't move to Minnesota and Kris was a fame-chasing unemployed loser. Um... did NONE of that come up before you dropped $10M on a wedding?! (Yes, I know they didn't actually drop $10M on it, most of it was probably donated by celeb-hungry vendors.) Because I'm pretty sure that before you MARRY someone, you talk about where you want to live and what you want to be when you grow up. And yes, Kim, the NBA lockout was going on before you married that bum. And can we talk about how he's NOT THAT CUTE?! But did anyone expect this one to make it for the long haul? I mean REALLY!

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Not Feelin' Fall

A couple of years ago I would have told you that fall was my favorite season. That is, until I lived in a place that actually has autumn. Um... this season sucks. In Arizona, we have 1 season: summer. You know what the best season is? Summer! You know why? Because there's some freaking SUNLIGHT!! Did you know that the other 3 seasons of the year are super dark?! It's insane!! Don't even get me started on the awful thing called snow that happens during winter. So while fall is great with all the pretty leaves and being able to wear boots and sweaters, it freaking sucks because it means that winter is coming. I cannot describe how much I am dreading winter. I definitely suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder so the onset of winter makes me really anxious and worried about how crappy it's going to make me feel. I am so worried about it that I'm already starting to recognize some symptoms and fear that this year may be worse than last. What is seasonal affective disorder, you may ask? Well, let's call is SAD from here on out, because that's a lot of unnecessary letters to type! SAD is a type of depression that usually occurs only during the winter months (some people get it during summer, but that's just crazy!) According to (that's right folks, this blog is legit, I reference other websites!!) symptoms include:

  • Depression
  • Hopelessness
  • Anxiety
  • Loss of energy
  • Heavy, "leaden" feeling in the arms or legs
  • Social withdrawal
  • Oversleeping
  • Loss of interest in activities you once enjoyed
  • Appetite changes, especially a craving for foods high in carbohydrates
  • Weight gain
  • Difficulty concentrating
Guess which symptoms I get? ALL OF THE ABOVE. And I also throw in some extreme irritability. It's really just a miserable time for me and I go nuts the first time the sun comes out in springtime because I'm so excited to see it again. The biggest thing I remember from last winter was a literal craving for sunlight. I never thought I would be begging for sunlight. But I guess I never really knew that there were places that saw so little of it. Being from Phoenix has messed me up
So that's my whining pity party about the weather here. Now let's talk about what I'm doing to fight the evil visits from Snow Miser (10 points go to the first person to get the reference): training for a 5k! This will come as a major shock for those of you who know how incredibly lazy I am. I'm better known for sitting in my bed eating ice cream straight out of the carton while watching Bravo than strapping on some Nikes to hit the pavement. But some of the best treatment for SAD is staying active, so I'm working on becoming active so that when my symptoms hit a fever pitch I can stay active. I'm on week 2 of an 8-week program. Apparently by week 8 I'll be able to run a 5k. Not going to lie: this week was really rough. I'm actually planning on repeating week 2 (like a preschooler who didn't learn the alphabet) because I'm not ready for week 3. So now it's a 9-week program :) But I'm lucky to have a fabulous bestie (shout out to Samurai!) who volunteered to do a 5k with me! So we picked one out in Kansas City that is conveniently scheduled for the day after we see Kathy Griffin! Saturday night: Kathy G, Sunday morning: 5k! Don't worry, it doesn't start until like 9am and it's only 3.1 miles, we can be a little tired/hungover, we won't die. Best part? It's an INDOOR 5k!! Hooray for nice running weather! But back to the training: it's going well and I actually really like it. I've been running outside, just kind of exploring new routes around the neighborhood. This can be dangerous for two reasons: 1. I live in the hood, so I have a strict 11 hour running window: 7:30am-6:30pm are the only hours I will run. Because that gives me the safety of daylight (until there isn;t anymore when winter comes) during my entire run. 2. Omaha was built on hills. I don't mind walking up a hill, but running up a hill is something I'd prefer to avoid. So I try to time my training sessions so that I can walk up the hills and then run on flat ground. That's going to get tougher as the walk time gets shorter and run time gets longer! 
Of course the biggest benefit of this training isn't the warm fuzzy feeling it gives me or even the sweet shopping opportunities it presents (we'll get to that!) it's that it will hopefully get rid of these 10 pounds I packed on this summer. Yes folks, I'm a fat newlywed. This has nothing to do with Dane or letting myself go now that the wedding is over, it's because I was alone for most of the summer while Dane was working in AZ so I was lazy and ate whatever I wanted. I rarely cooked and ate tons of junk. So I put on some weight and then once my clothes started feeling snug, I was so mad about having put on weight that I ate even more (I eat because I'm unhappy, I'm unhappy because I eat [another 10 points go to the first person to get that reference]) So now I need to get myself back to a normal size and start feeling better about how I look (and feel)! But back to the shopping opportunities: did you know how many running accessories I don't own? TONS! I just got one of those cute headband things that covers your ears because it's starting to get cold and my ears hurt b/c of it yesterday morning. I went for a simple black number but it has a snazzy ponytail hole in it, so we'll see how it goes. I stocked up on some snazzy socks I really like, too. They're a "no show" style but little higher in the back to protect your heel from rubbing on your shoes. And speaking of shoes: omg I want new ones!! I did some online research about what type of shoes I need based on my running stride (I need cushioned support for my high arches) and type of running I do (low mileage/beginner running) and am also worried about the upcoming crappy weather I'll be training in. So... I found an awesome pair of Nikes that have this cool shield technology that's made for running in poor weather! Here they are:^12001&t=Women%27s%20Running%20Shoes#/?ll=en_US&ct=US&pid=417595&cid=102201&pgid=&p=PDP
By the way... how do people make those links that say like "click here" and then they take you to the full website? (Steph Riel I'm looking at you) I obviously only know how to copy and paste from the web address line on the page. That's right, I'm a savvy blogger :) Alright (yes, Michelle Cain, I am aware that "alright" is not actually a word. The correct form is all right) I think that's all for now. More funny blog updates are to come, I just wanted to update everyone on life for now! Have a great week and be sure to get your flu shot! 

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Getting Back into the Swing of Things

Well, my new computer has arrived to it's time to update ye olde blog! So here's what life is like here:

Dane is working very hard in school. This year is harder than last year and he is absolutely dreading having to take Step 1 of the Boards next summer. But he is doing super well in school and I'm super proud of him. To be honest, he's not enjoying med school at all right now, but he's working hard to get through to a part that he does like. We keep hearing that next year will be totally different and he will enjoy it a lot more, so we're just working to get him there. It's taking a lot of effort, but he's a great student and super smart, so going to continue to do great!

I am working really hard at work. I did some more training a few weeks ago to learn how to open business accounts, so I'm looking at other options I may have within the company to continue my career there. Now I'm thinking I may want to take the business banking route and lean towards that. The benefit there is that I could do business banking from pretty much anywhere we may happen to end up. I was previously thinking of doing HR, but there aren't HR hubs everywhere, so it really restricts our options. And with Dane needing to be able to take any job that is offered to him, I need to be able to work anywhere. So that's the new career plan!

As for our home life, I'm trying to be creative to make life less redundant for us so we can actually enjoy our time here in Omaha. So I have deemed every Monday "New Recipe Monday" and we try new things to see what works and what doesn't! Most of the recipes I try are steak because I'm really comfortable with chicken and I don't want to become the boring chicken lady. Tomorrow's adventure is steak tacos with a really yummy marinated steak recipe. We'll see how it goes!! In fact, tonight I'm trying a new recipe, too! We're trying out some spicy orange chicken stir fry! Yum! And we've started having Friday nights out! This isn't as exciting as it sounds, it just means that after working at a bank on a Friday, I am way too tired to cook. And it's really the only chance that Dane gets to take a break from studying and take a couple hours to go out. So we go out on Friday nights and make a big deal of going on a date. It's usually pretty short and doesn't include a movie or anything, but we enjoy it :)

Eddie is doing well being back in Omaha, but he misses Heidi. That's right folks, Heidi Eunice is no longer with us :( She lived a very long and nap-filled life, but this summer her health started declining pretty rapidly until I had to take her in to be put down. It was exceptionally hard to do, but it was what was best for her and I'm sure she's happier now, in a tuna-filled kitty heaven. Unfortunately, Eddie is now bored with no feline to follow around and keep in line.  No, we won't be getting a new kitty anytime soon, they don't make for very good movers and we'll be doing lots of that in the next few years! But I'm sure I will eventually convince Dane it's time to add to the family and get another personality-filled kitty!

Dane's workload has been exceptionally stressful the last couple of weeks so we decided to take advantage of a very rare free weekend and take a little staycation last night! Dane's dad graciously booked a room for us with his Marriott points at the West Omaha Marriott and we got to take a night away! We went to Bonefish Grill for dinner and it was DELICIOUS!! Neither of us had been there before and omg it was so great!! We got calamari as an appetizer, salads (house for him, caesar for me), warm toasty bread, and super great entrees! Daneish got a steak with au gratin potatoes and I got wood-grilled salmon with mango salsa, garlic whipped potatoes, and some fancy ginger carrots or something. Everything was amazing!! AND we got there during happy hour, so go to get our first drinks at happy hour prices-fabulous! And Dane tried their rum punch and deemed it delicious. So all around, a great dinner experience! Then we went back to the hotel and were bummed to discover they didn't have movies for us to buy! We had been hoping to buy a movie we missed when it was in theatres and snuggle up with snacks! But alas, we were stuck with whatever happened to be on tv. So of course, I fell asleep way too early. I know that this drives Daneish crazy, but I can't help it!! I fall asleep on the couch every night, so this Saturday night was no different! But even though I was super lame, it was still nice to have a night away and relax together. And Eddie enjoyed his time at Dogtopia, playing with his dog friends. The people there said that Eddie's best friend there is a yorkie named Bernard. The two of them stayed up late and harassed all the girl dogs. That's our Eddie Monster :) And tonight all 3 of us are at home, watching a movie together and enjoying a night off before having to go back to work/school.

I think that's all for now, kids! I think I've updated on pretty much everything, but let me know if I missed anything you're dying to know!

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Irrationality is my nationality

Ok I will have a post coming soon regarding the wedding and honeymoon, etc. but I'm still working on it and it's taking me a while. So in the meantime, I thought I'd take a load off and really let loose about things that I have irrational responses to. So this is me, blowing off some Tuesday night steam! I've got a bottle of Dos Equis to my left, a sleeping Heidi to my right, and Bravo on my tv. And we're ready to blog!

This year was the first time I've spent the 4th of July in a place where residents can legally purchase fireworks. I hated it. I had actually spent the weekend in Minneapolis, but arrived back in Omaha at 11pm on the 4th. What I arrived home to was nothing short of shocking. (side note: yes, I realize there are plenty of people who are used to this whole maniacal celebration and think I'm being dramatic. Nay. I am being IRRATIONAL. Duh. Read on.) Honestly the first thing that came to mind when I pulled into my driveway was "oh my gosh it's the riots in Egypt all over again" Seriously, who thinks that? I was wondering if I had missed something during my 2 days away and if my fellow residents of Omaha were suddenly trying to overthrow our government. And if someone had lit a car of fire to further light up the night, I wouldn't have been surprised. I super freaked the eff out and was miserable. Heidi was with me on the misery train: she made a big deal about her medicine and was literally spitting and panting. She basically went crazy. Happy independence day!

Anni the Irish Brazilian
If you're lucky enough to be a friend with whom I discuss my lady bits situation, you've probably heard about Anni the Irish Waxer. Yes, she is from Ireland and has a super cute accent. She's also just really zen: she has this soft little voice and is just a calming force. Anni the Irish Waxer is one of my favorite people in Omaha and is the most soothing portion of my life here. We spend roughly 25 minutes together every 5 weeks and she listens to me chat about my life while she does her waxing thang. If any of you ladies have had the joyous experience of getting a bikini wax, you know how freakishly personal it is... super quick. Like "Hi, nice to meet you, take off your pants and let me shine a bright light [sometimes with a magnifying glass attached] on your lady bits. Thanks, that'll be [at least] $50." And yes, I directed that last example at the ladies because if there are any men relating to this situation, I have two things to say to you: 1. I'm sorry, did you get lost? What are you doing here at this blog? and 2. You get your junk waxed? You are now REQUIRED to stop reading this blog because you are surely not welcome here. But back to the subject at hand... Anni the Irish Waxer. Tonight was my most recent visit to Anni and she caused me to suffer a heart attack. She casually mentioned that she's planning to leave the salon she works at! I died. I cannot be without Anni. If I could move her and her family out to Phoenix with us when we move back, I would! Luckily, Anni followed up her mention of leaving with the fact that she'll be opening up her own salon across town. I would follow you to the end of the earth, Anni! So have no fear, I will still be able to see Anni the Irish Waxer for another year! (AND she'll be lowering her prices!! SCORE!!)

Pitiful Advice
I'm not always good at accepting advice. I usually feel like my own opinion is going to work just fine and I don't really care what you have to say about it. I occasionally ask for advice, but only from those whose opinions I value [or, more honestly... actually give a shit about] But recently I've been getting a lot of unsolicited advice! But it's been handed out as something even worse than advice: pity! People are discovering that Dane and I are currently spending our first 2 months of marriage apart. Here's the situation: I have a job at a bank and while I get a great amount of paid time off, I don't have enough PTO to take the entire summer off work. So the day after we got back from our honeymoon, I flew back to Omaha to get back to work. Now Dane had to get some more medical world experience this summer. He needs to have his medical resume built up as strongly as possible to when he applies for residencies he actually has something to show for his years of work. The position he got for the summer happened to be in Phoenix because he already knew several doctors there and was able to get the same job he worked last year before we moved. So he's working in Arizona and doing what he needs to do while I am working in Omaha and doing what I need to do. But you know what? We are already aware of how much this situation sucks. We didn't decide to spend our first summer as a married couple like this for funsies. We're doing this because we have to and it would suck a whole hell of a lot more if he didn't get the experience he needs this summer and then can't get a residency after graduation. It would make paying off those student loans KIND of tough. So when random people go on and on about how awful our current situation is and how much it must suck, I want to punch you in the throat. But I've harped on that before. What really makes me want to tell them off is when they try to ascertain relationship details about "how we're doing". I put that last one in quotes because you have to read it in the same "how are you doing" tone that people use when they ask it of cancer patients. The most common is "so do you guys talk on the phone a lot?" I'm sorry, why do you want to know that? Because I have to EXPLAIN my answer and I'm sick of doing so. No, we don't talk on the phone a lot. You know why? Because neither of us really enjoy talking on the phone. We're both pretty business-y when we're making phone calls. Yes, we have still kept in touch while we're apart. But we text. We e-mail. Maybe we'll start BBMing. We'll see. But no, I'm not "worried" about us. We just freaking got married! If two months a few states apart were going to break us, we probably shouldn't have gotten married because this definitely isn't going to be the toughest thing we face as a couple. So kindly eff off and go ask someone else how much she and her husband love each other. Me and mine are good to go.

You all know that I'm a grammar nazi, but I don't think everyone understands how seriously irritated I get. Poor grammar/general English skills get under my skin like few things can. Of course I'm aware that I certainly don't know/follow every rule there is. But I do think I do a pretty good job, save for my "creative license" with sentence structure, etc. when blogging. Anyway, back to the task at hand: my BIGGEST irritation is the made up word "disrespected". WHERE did this awful word come from?! I'll tell you: the hood. Sorry uneducated losers in the middle of a "that bitch slept with my man" cat fight, she's didn't disrespect you. She was either disrespectful or failed to show you respect. Using disrespect in such a made up form would be the same as saying she "ruded" you rather than saying she was rude to you. It is not possible to disrespect someone. It simply does not work that way. And no, I do NOT want to hear if this word has recently been added to the dictionary to "keep up with the times" because as far as I'm concerned it's still SUPER EFFING ANNOYING. And I've decided to stop overlooking such an egregious grammatical error. I am going to start correcting people. I don't care if I look like a psycho. I'm going to better the world, one made up word at a time!

Alright kids, that's all I have for now. I'll get to work on the wedding and honeymoon blogs so I can get those out to the masses! Hope you all had a great 4th and I promise to be a better blog updater in the future!!

Thursday, April 28, 2011

30 day warranty

Thought I should update the ol' blog, simply because today is the 1 month mark until The Big Day! I'm feeling totally great! The 3 and 2 month marks kind of freaked me out because I felt like we didn't have everything ready, but now I think we have things under control! Mostly I'm just crazy excited to spend an awesome week at home before the wedding while I get everything finalized, get to enjoy a fabulous day with all of our friends and family, and then go on an AMAZING honeymoon! So hooray, one month! Send in those R.S.V.P.s, people!! We're getting down to the wire!!! YAAAAAAAAAY wedding!!!

Monday, March 7, 2011

Emily's Wedding Handbook

When Dane and I started planning our wedding, my parents and I purchased a couple of books to help us. There are so many rules and etiquette regulations and traditions that must be adhered to, we needed some guides. So we have an Emily Post wedding etiquette book and a Miss Manners wedding book. I absolutely love these books and think they've make our lives so much easier! However, they come with all kinds of rules that tend to bug me. So here are the things we're not allowed to say or do but that I really want to, so I've decided to say them via blog, where anything goes!

*disclaimer: this includes traditional wedding faux pas, some of which you may have used in your own weddings. I don't publish them here to offend you, I publish them here to make my own point. I don't really give a crap if my pointing out your errors hurts your feelings. Clearly you were trashy enough to make these errors without realizing they were errors, so just understand that and move on. If your feelings are hurt, you're in the wrong place to begin with because I simply don't care. Read someone else's blog. Think you're thick-skinned enough to continue? Read on and enjoy!

+ 1? My wedding is not the place for your math games:
I have a major issue with the idea of "+1". If I specifically invited your date, meaning by name, that means I want you to bring said date. If I didn't, that means I invited you and not some random stranger you decide to scrounge up and bring to my nuptials. And how, you wonder, will I specify if your date is invited? His/her name will BE ON THE ENVELOPE. Oh, your envelope just has YOUR name on it? Weird! Must mean you don't have to deal with the hassle of finding someone to bring! Congratulations! You are welcome! I know this will probably piss many people off, as they think that weddings are meant for bringing a date and enjoying the open bar. This is odd to me because I thought weddings were about two people coming together to join a new unit together in love and start their own little family. But you're probably right, your random stranger idea is probably more what it's about. My issue with the random stranger is a two-part issue: the first being that it simply makes the numbers impossible. I have never wanted to have a massive wedding and adding a +1 for everyone simply makes it bigger than I want it to be, and obviously more expensive for my parents. But the second part of my issue with the +1 is that I don't know your stupid date, so why is he/she there to watch me get married?! I want to have people at the wedding because they're important to Dane or me or our parents, not because someone we know met them a couple weeks ago and thought they'd be fun to dance with. No. If we don't know you, you can't come. Read the envelope and use your brain.

Registry secrets:
According to one of our wedding books, it's a major no-no to put where you're registered on the invitation. This is because it assumes your invited guests are expected to buy you gifts and they are expected to find said gifts at stores you chose. And while you were at it, you chose the specific gifts, too. I get why this is tacky. However, everyone knows you registered, so now they have to hunt down people who might know where you're registered and find out from them. Why can't we just make it easy and list it somewhere? Somewhere convenient. Like the invitation. So... just to save our guests the hassle of hunting for our registries, we are registered at TARGET, CRATE & BARREL, and MACY'S. Go crazy.

No boys (or girls) allowed:
This relates to my previous point regarding added dates, but this is specifically regarding children. If your invitation doesn't specifically list your children or "and family", then I don't want to have your kids at my wedding. It's nothing personal, I'm sure your kids are great. But did you know that the $30+ they charge per person for an open bar is also charged for kids under 21? The resort apparently thinks that kids can drink $30+ worth of soda in a four hour period, so they still change the same price. I'm sure your kids are very sweet, but if they're not chugging their weight in soda, I don't want them. Because if they're going to be there, they'd better be drinking enough to make it worth the cost! But even before we get to the reception, I don't want your sticky-handed, whining child being obnoxious while I'm having a moment with my pop as he walks me down the aisle. Children should be seen and not heard, just not at my wedding. They can be seen elsewhere.

R.S.V.P., A.S.S.H.O.L.E.:
So according to these books that rule my life, including a response card in an invitation is tacky. The proper way to respond to an invitation is to do so in the same medium and formality as the invitation. That would mean that for my formal invitations, everyone who receives them should pull out their formal stationary and hand write a letter back to my parents, either accepting or sharing their regrets about being unable to attend. The second he read this, my dad decided that we, too would go with the formal option and skip response cards. Um... NO. There is NO WAY IN HELL I'm depending on people knowing they should write a freaking letter to RSVP. If we chose that option, we'd expect 20 people and be surprised when 150 actually showed up. No. We're being socially white trash and including response cards. I even took it to another level and included "number attending" on the response cards to REALLY get it nailed down. I am WAY too much of a control freak to depend on other people to get their shit together. I will get your shit together FOR you. So freaking mail back your response card because I even effing addressed and stamped it for you.

Thanks for the tip:
This has nothing to do with our wedding books, but it's pretty much my biggest wedding pet peeve EVER. Please stop giving me advice about weddings and referencing your friend's wedding, or even worse: YOUR wedding. I'm getting way too close to my own wedding date, thus short on patience/a zen attitude to think of nice ways to tell you I think you're trashy. Seriously, it's getting hard for me to be politically correct when inside I'm thinking "Holy crap, you seriously DID that? No thanks, I'm from Paradise Valley, not a trailer park" So let's just keep everyone happy; you can stop giving me real life examples and I can stop giving myself anxiety attacks while I try to think of something nice to say. Well no, you can continue to give me real life examples, but let's say "I read in a magazine somewhere" instead, because then I'll feel like less of a bitch when I burst into hysterical laughter and make a snotty comment. K thanks.