Monday, March 7, 2011

Emily's Wedding Handbook

When Dane and I started planning our wedding, my parents and I purchased a couple of books to help us. There are so many rules and etiquette regulations and traditions that must be adhered to, we needed some guides. So we have an Emily Post wedding etiquette book and a Miss Manners wedding book. I absolutely love these books and think they've make our lives so much easier! However, they come with all kinds of rules that tend to bug me. So here are the things we're not allowed to say or do but that I really want to, so I've decided to say them via blog, where anything goes!

*disclaimer: this includes traditional wedding faux pas, some of which you may have used in your own weddings. I don't publish them here to offend you, I publish them here to make my own point. I don't really give a crap if my pointing out your errors hurts your feelings. Clearly you were trashy enough to make these errors without realizing they were errors, so just understand that and move on. If your feelings are hurt, you're in the wrong place to begin with because I simply don't care. Read someone else's blog. Think you're thick-skinned enough to continue? Read on and enjoy!

+ 1? My wedding is not the place for your math games:
I have a major issue with the idea of "+1". If I specifically invited your date, meaning by name, that means I want you to bring said date. If I didn't, that means I invited you and not some random stranger you decide to scrounge up and bring to my nuptials. And how, you wonder, will I specify if your date is invited? His/her name will BE ON THE ENVELOPE. Oh, your envelope just has YOUR name on it? Weird! Must mean you don't have to deal with the hassle of finding someone to bring! Congratulations! You are welcome! I know this will probably piss many people off, as they think that weddings are meant for bringing a date and enjoying the open bar. This is odd to me because I thought weddings were about two people coming together to join a new unit together in love and start their own little family. But you're probably right, your random stranger idea is probably more what it's about. My issue with the random stranger is a two-part issue: the first being that it simply makes the numbers impossible. I have never wanted to have a massive wedding and adding a +1 for everyone simply makes it bigger than I want it to be, and obviously more expensive for my parents. But the second part of my issue with the +1 is that I don't know your stupid date, so why is he/she there to watch me get married?! I want to have people at the wedding because they're important to Dane or me or our parents, not because someone we know met them a couple weeks ago and thought they'd be fun to dance with. No. If we don't know you, you can't come. Read the envelope and use your brain.

Registry secrets:
According to one of our wedding books, it's a major no-no to put where you're registered on the invitation. This is because it assumes your invited guests are expected to buy you gifts and they are expected to find said gifts at stores you chose. And while you were at it, you chose the specific gifts, too. I get why this is tacky. However, everyone knows you registered, so now they have to hunt down people who might know where you're registered and find out from them. Why can't we just make it easy and list it somewhere? Somewhere convenient. Like the invitation. So... just to save our guests the hassle of hunting for our registries, we are registered at TARGET, CRATE & BARREL, and MACY'S. Go crazy.

No boys (or girls) allowed:
This relates to my previous point regarding added dates, but this is specifically regarding children. If your invitation doesn't specifically list your children or "and family", then I don't want to have your kids at my wedding. It's nothing personal, I'm sure your kids are great. But did you know that the $30+ they charge per person for an open bar is also charged for kids under 21? The resort apparently thinks that kids can drink $30+ worth of soda in a four hour period, so they still change the same price. I'm sure your kids are very sweet, but if they're not chugging their weight in soda, I don't want them. Because if they're going to be there, they'd better be drinking enough to make it worth the cost! But even before we get to the reception, I don't want your sticky-handed, whining child being obnoxious while I'm having a moment with my pop as he walks me down the aisle. Children should be seen and not heard, just not at my wedding. They can be seen elsewhere.

R.S.V.P., A.S.S.H.O.L.E.:
So according to these books that rule my life, including a response card in an invitation is tacky. The proper way to respond to an invitation is to do so in the same medium and formality as the invitation. That would mean that for my formal invitations, everyone who receives them should pull out their formal stationary and hand write a letter back to my parents, either accepting or sharing their regrets about being unable to attend. The second he read this, my dad decided that we, too would go with the formal option and skip response cards. Um... NO. There is NO WAY IN HELL I'm depending on people knowing they should write a freaking letter to RSVP. If we chose that option, we'd expect 20 people and be surprised when 150 actually showed up. No. We're being socially white trash and including response cards. I even took it to another level and included "number attending" on the response cards to REALLY get it nailed down. I am WAY too much of a control freak to depend on other people to get their shit together. I will get your shit together FOR you. So freaking mail back your response card because I even effing addressed and stamped it for you.

Thanks for the tip:
This has nothing to do with our wedding books, but it's pretty much my biggest wedding pet peeve EVER. Please stop giving me advice about weddings and referencing your friend's wedding, or even worse: YOUR wedding. I'm getting way too close to my own wedding date, thus short on patience/a zen attitude to think of nice ways to tell you I think you're trashy. Seriously, it's getting hard for me to be politically correct when inside I'm thinking "Holy crap, you seriously DID that? No thanks, I'm from Paradise Valley, not a trailer park" So let's just keep everyone happy; you can stop giving me real life examples and I can stop giving myself anxiety attacks while I try to think of something nice to say. Well no, you can continue to give me real life examples, but let's say "I read in a magazine somewhere" instead, because then I'll feel like less of a bitch when I burst into hysterical laughter and make a snotty comment. K thanks.


  1. I've missed your blog posts! Thanks for bringing them back. Especially this little gem. Patrick's on my right, looking at me like I'm straight out of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest because I've been hysterically laughing out loud reading all the way down. If I ever get married I WILL ask you for your advice because I like your style. :)

  2. I seriously just comtemplated showing my students this for sheer enjoyment. On a side note, I also had a One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest moment as well.

  3. I think you need to send me these books after your wedding