Wednesday, December 15, 2010

I don't get it

As a blonde, there are many things I don't understand. Here are the ones that confuse/bother me the most:

Charmin Extra Strong: HOW HARD ARE YOU PEOPLE WIPING YOUR ASSES? I have never had this thought after doing my business: "Oh no! Pieces left behind! If only they made stronger toilet paper to accommodate my super human butt wiping strength!" It's a sensitive area people, be gentle! And it's not going to run away, it's your own stationary ass, you don't need to trap it. Simply clean up and move on. Calm down before you go there. I don't get it.

McDonald's McRib Sandwich: um... gross. For one thing, I'm never eating "rib meat" from McDonald's. But more importantly, why is it shaped like an actual rack of ribs? Most people are aware that a rack of ribs includes bones between the rib meat. So is McDonald's trying to simulate bones but instead of using actual bones, it's processed "rib meat"? That's horrifying. What would possibly posses someone to eat such a wretched piece of OBVIOUSLY fake food? I mean let's all be honest here, ALL of the food at McDonald's is fake, but at least it's shaped realistically like the real deal. McRib isn't something I'd touch with a ten foot pole. Fake meat shaped like bones. I don't get it.

Inappropriate suggestions for wedding registries: We have a few registries at different stores and one of them comes with suggestions about what to put on your registry. Great, right? Except some of them are completely inappropriate! A few of them are for lady shavers. Like I'm going to put that on my registry and say to every guest who looks at it "Hi wedding guest! Want to buy us this trimmer so I can keep up my lady bits?" Um... no thanks. WHO would add that to their registry? I feel uncomfortable enough adding an electric toothbrush to our registry! I need a new electric toothbrush and it's a totally normal thing, but it just feels too personal for a registry! Same goes for sheets! (We are, in fact, registering for sheets and an electric toothbrush, but it still feels weird). What employee thought that was a good suggestion? It's awkward! I don't get it.

Panda Express and their fork stinginess: Every couple of weeks Dane and I have Panda Express as our Friday night dinner "out". I pick it up on my way home from work. I get 2 3-item meals (don't judge how much I eat, I eat the leftovers the next day, jerks). Sometimes I go through the drive-thru, sometimes I go in an order at the counter. But it's always 2 meals. And every time they give me 1 or NO fork(s)! Do I look like I'm going to eat both meals? Come on! And when they don't give me any forks: am I supposed to eat both meals with my hands? The Pandas in AZ are pros at the fork distribution. They give you two napkins and a fork for every meal. Perfection. They're good at the fortune cookie hand out too. Not here. These rookies are new in town and it shows. Just hand out the number of forks equal to the number of meals I got. Why is this so difficult for them? I don't get it.

Dorothy Lynch salad dressing: For everyone who doesn't live in Nebraska or Iowa, Dorothy Lynch dressing is this hugely popular dressing that you can only find in the Midwest. Everyone here is obsessed with it. They talk about it like you're stupid for not knowing what is it and they're all shocked that it's not a national product. Um... here's the thing: it IS a national product. Except everywhere else, we just call it French dressing. So get off your Midwestern high horse and relax. We've all had it before but aren't obsessed with it because French dressing sucks. Stop acting like it's such a big deal, no one cares. I don't get it.

Husker football: The is by far the most annoying part of living in Nebraska. I don't mind the cold and I don't mind the snow, but the obsession with the local college football team makes me want to punch babies. It's a college football team. They're in the Holiday Bowl against Washington. I don't want to ruin the ending for you, but Nebraska's going to win. Get a hobby. Might I suggest building a Macy's or Nordstrom? Because I would much rather hear about those things than your silly football team. Maybe if they were a professional team, I'd care. But they're not, so I don't. Stop acting like Husker football is a religion. I'm Presbyterian, not Huskerian. I don't get it.

How Bravo thinks this new sham of a show The Fashion Show is somehow going to make up for their lack of Project Runway: Um... no. I don't know these people, I don't care about their designs, and I'd like to know why Iman is so angry all the time. You had the perfect fashion design show and you blew it. Don't try to make up for it now with Isaac Mizrahi. But you're lucky, this week's episode with the Housewives may have just saved you. But only because you got Dina from NJ. Don't think this success of me watching is going to continue for much longer. Why would you ever get rid of Project Runway?! I don't get it.

Those commercials for medical assistant schools: They always go something like this: "I used to hate my job, but then after a few short months at this craptacular school, I have a great job where I work alongside doctors!" Ok let's start off at the beginning on this one: I feel there are very few careers worth doing that take "only a few short months" of school to be prepare for. But that's not even the big picture here. The big picture is how we're supposed to believe that working alongside doctors is some kind of dream come true. Now if you happen to have a career that coincidentally is near where doctors work, (ie R.N.) then good for you. Your job is legit. But whatever it is that these "few short months" careers entail, I can assure you that the treat of working alongside a doctor is not going to make up for it. Because where is the prize in working alongside a doctor? You know who's going to be a doctor? Dane. You know who I would never want to work alongside? Dane. Clearly, I'm a pretty big fan of Daneish. In our at-home, non-work related lives. Dane wouldn't want to work alongside me and vice versa. I'm annoying and fake at work. Dane will be a stubborn, egotistical asshole at work. I pity the people who will have to work with him. At least in our relationship, I can tell him to shut the hell up and we can bicker and go back to having fun together. You can't do that at work. Especially if your coworker is a doctor and you went to school "for a few short months". Just sayin', that confrontation is not going to go your way or end in your favor. I don't care if this one makes me sound like an bitch with a bachelors degree. This bitch worked hard for that degree. Let's talk about people who are too lazy to go to real college. I don't get it.

People who "don't really watch tv": um... why the hell not? People who say crap like that are usually the most annoying people ever. And watching the Real Housewives or The Sing-Off never hurt anyone! So stop being pretentious and watch some freaking tv. Maybe it'll help remove that stick from your ass. And while you're at it, stop trying to talk to me about music like it matters. My favorite kind on music? Christmas music. So stop acting all hipster on me and leave me alone. Watch some Bravo and then we'll talk.  But not watching tv? I don't get it.

Why wine is so expensive: it's old grapes, right? They take grapes and smash them and then let them go bad while they sit in old barrels. Why does this gross process allow them to charge so much for a bottle of the fermented smashed grapes? I will admit, it's clearly delicious, so that adds some cost to the yummy, but where does the rest of the price come into play? Stop making me poor just so I can enjoy a glass of wine after a long day of dealing with the general public! Why must wine be so out of my budget? I don't get it.

Why iPhone users are such assholes. There's no story behind this one because everyone is fully aware of it. If you have an iPhone, you're probably an asshole. Congrats on being the friend that nobody likes. I don't care about all of the things your phone can do that my blackberry can't. I don't use my blackberry to its full capacity as it is, I don't need to add an annoying touch screen and an elitist attitude to become an iPhone user.  So suck it. If it's so simple and user-friendly, why are you such an asshole? I don't get it.

Alright folks, that's all I have for now. We all know there are millions of other things I don't get. These are simply the ones that stand out to me right now. Peace out from Omaha! And just in case I don't get the chance to blog before the holidays, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! (btw, eff you in advance to everyone who wishes me a "Happy New Year's". You're a grammatical idiot and I hate you)

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Our Christmas Letter

If we were one of those couples that sent out a Christmas letter to everyone we know, this is what this years would say. I will preface this with a reminder that we are NOT, I repeat: NOT one of those couples who send out a Christmas letter. For one thing, I'm not paying for stamps to update people on our lives. If you deserve/want to know, you'll call me and we'll talk because we're close personal friends. But the most important reason why we don't send out a Christmas letter is because we're not fucking annoying. I'm sorry, I know I don't usually blog that kind of language, but I felt it was necessary in this instance to properly convey my intense distaste for Christmas letters. Now don't get me wrong: I LOVE reading other people's Christmas letters. They're usually either super boring or super hilarious. The best of these is when they're not intentionally hilarious. A few years ago, a distant relative of ours sent out the most depressing Christmas letter I've ever seen. It included events in the year such as multiple family member deaths, the onset of blindness due to an illness, and the loss of a job. Um... maybe this was a good year to skip the Christmas letter. Because I just read it and was forced to kill myself because of the deep depression that came over me. Also, you're blind and unemployed, maybe save the money you spent on stamps to pay for dinner. Just sayin'... Ok, so here's our hypothetical Christmas letter. And I'm only doing this because 2010 has been such a cool year:

Well folks, 2010 has been a big year full of major changes for us!
The beginning of the year had us in Arizona, both working full time and savings our pennies for what we knew would be a lot of changes in the coming year. Dane was living in Tempe and working as an emergency room scribe at a couple different Valley hospitals. I was living with my parents in Paradise Valley and working as an assistant manager at Massage Envy while also nannying for a fantastic family who I now miss immensely!
April brought my birthday and not a whole lot else. Go 23!
May brought the first big change for us: Dane proposed! He put a lot of time and effort into planning a romantic evening for us and both impressed and surprised me. I have yet to come up with an abridged version of the proposal story but the general overview includes Trader Vic's for dinner, a gorgeous room at the Hotel Valley Ho, and a big box of every single tangible piece of our four year relationship. The ring is absolutely gorgeous and I revel in getting compliments on it quite regularly. (Many of these may be due to the fact that I unnecessarily flash it as much as possible. Any movement that CAN be done with my hand palm-down, IS done with my hand palm-down. I can't help it, my ring is gorgeous and I'm a slut for showing it off).
July brought our 4th date-i-versary (what I call our anniversary b/c we're not married so it's not really an anniversary) and our biggest change yet: we moved to Omaha, NE! (And Dane turned 23!)
August brought the start of medical school for Dane and he's been doing sensationally! His grades are very impressive and he's doing very well with the heavy work load. I am honestly so impressed with his work ethic. I always knew he was a good student, but his dedication to this is like he was born to be a med student.
We don't get to spend a whole lot of time together because his evenings and weekends are usually filled with studying, but we have dinner together most nights and sometimes get the chance to watch a football game together on the weekends.
September brought the start of my job! I hadn't looked much before we moved, so I feel especially blessed that I was only unemployed for a month! I spend my days at work and am enjoying learning more about the banking industry, but mostly I love having a place to get up and go to every day. (And yes, I'm specifically NOT mentioning where I work, because I would like to remain employed. Methinks some of the big wigs might not love my pointless blog mentioning their Fortune 500 company.) I spend my nights making dinners, watching tv, and drinking pinot noir. My partners in crime are Eddie, our dog and Heidi, our cat (but they don't get any wine, they're underage). My weekends are filled with either more work or laundry, cleaning, and errand running. Luckily work is right by a Target and a grocery store, so I can run mandatory errands on my lunch break or on my way home. My mom came to visit at the end of September and it was very much needed for me. It was nice to have a familiar face around Omaha and a buddy to go shopping with :)
October was full of training for me and lots of school work for Dane. I went to Oregon the first weekend of the month for my gram's birthday. It was great to see my extended family and get a weekend away from the stresses of work here in Omaha. The trip was super fun but too short! Dane and I didn't do anything for Halloween because he had a test the following day, so we celebrated by having an awkward dinner of latkes.
November brought Dane's first trip home since the move and he was very excited! He had a great few days home and I had a great few days with the house to myself. Don't get me wrong, I love Daneish, but I also love my alone time. Eddie and I went down to Kansas City for Thanksgiving to spend it with my MOH (for those of you not up on wedding abbreviations, that's Maid of Honor) Sam and her parents. It was a quick 24 hour trip so I could get back for work on Friday, but we both had a blast. Eddie loved getting attention from new people and I loved getting to be around my Midwestern family again. The downer to this trip was the speeding ticket I got in Iowa on the drive home. Yes, I got a speeding ticket ON Thanksgiving. Thanks to this, I will now NEVER spend money in Iowa. Congratulations Iowa! I have a shopping problem and you just screwed yourself out of it. Enjoy the speeding fine.
December has been good to us thus far. The Christmas spirit has hit me hard this year so I'm doing everything I can to spread Christmas cheer. I've roped some coworkers into adopting a senior citizen in need and am looking forward to delivering gifts to her! Another awesome perk of Christmastime is that my salon supports the Omaha Food Bank, so my canned food donation got me a free paraffin dip for my hands today! Sweet! I got rid of some food that we were probably never going to eat AND got to feel extra pampered! Christmas is absolutely my favorite time of year, so I've decorated our apartment with lots of twinkle lights and am probably annoying Daneish with my holiday mugs and tree-scented candles. I'm actually hoping for a big snow so I can have a white Christmas. (Well, Christmas week b/c I'll be in AZ on Christmas day). Dane is excitedly getting through the next couple of weeks of school before he gets to go home to AZ. I don't get to go home for very long, but my few days there will be great! We'll be taking our engagement pictures, having our food and cake tastings for the reception, and best of all: MY FIRST WEDDING DRESS FITTING!! I am beyond excited to see my dress and get to play with my shoes, etc. We're also going to make this the first Christmas we actually spend together. We usually don't cross paths on Christmas until nighttime, but we're going to try to combine things a little more this year, mostly because we're engaged and it's weird if we don't. It's just tough because we both love our own family celebrations and are not great at being flexible to fit in other events. Also, our families both live in the Valley, so we have a lot of stops to make for the holidays. But we're going to work on it because next year we'll be married and then it'll be REALLY weird if we don't spend Christmas together. We'll be back in Omaha for the New Year but haven't yet figured out how we'll celebrate. Probably our usual: sweats on the couch with pizza, watch the ball drop on tv, then bedtime. New Years Eve isn't really our holiday, but maybe we'll be more exciting this year. We'll see!
2010 has been a great year for us and I'm sure 2011 will be even better. We with you and yours a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! Feel free to come visit us any time you'd like! If you can handle the cold and snow, we'd love to have you!

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Don't worry, we're alive

Well, the last few weeks have been super busy, hence no blog post. But I have a few minutes before bed, so here's a mini-update! I've finished training at work, so am a full-fledged employee now, with sales goals and everything! It's tough because I don't have an office of my own, but I'm determined to make the best of it and succeed anyway! I really like how work is going, everyone is super helpful and I'm just really excited to work for such a great company where I can really start a legit career. So that's work.
And now life: I've been spending my weekends as usual: laundry, cleaning, running errands, and car shenanigans! I have become a pro at checking the air in tires, taking a car in to get a flat fixed, adding antifreeze, adding wiper fluid, and replacing wiper blades! I'm feeling pretty proud of how much I've embraced the "manly" jobs that have now fallen to me. I don't love it, but I can do it. And I like being able to handle things like that without having to ask for help. I mean, I still sometimes play the helpless blonde card, but only when absolutely necessary :)
As for today (Veterans Day/Founders Day), I've been super productive and I'm really proud of myself. Here was my day:
Got up at 7, took Eddie for a walk and made Dane's lunch. Worked out, added fluids to my car and replaced the wiper blades (this took a while and I did it wrong a couple times, but I got it figured out! I'm uber proud!) Had breakfast, cleaned the bathroom, vacuumed the whole apartment, cleaned the litter box, and dealt with the dishes sitting in the sink. Showered and got ready for the day, had lunch, organized my closet, and left for my errands! Dealt with a return at the hardware store (NOT an easy task, the employee who was "helping" me was barely competent), used the vacuum at the car wash to vacuum my car, bought the spring form pan I needed from Target, and went to Hallmark to look at wedding invitations! Here's how Momza and I did it: we both went to our local Hallmarks and looked at the same invitation books together, over the phone! We found one we really like, so now I just have to talk Dane into agreeing with us :) Then I went to the grocery store, came back home and got ready for my lovely evening. I recorded one of those creepy recordable books from Hallmark for my nephew (sorry for ruining the surprise, Miche), made a yummy mahi mahi dinner (less yummy for Daneish, his piece had lots of bones. Not my fault: I bought boneless fish!!), hemmed some pants for a coworker who was being ghetto fab with staples in her pants, did my nails in an awesome red for fall: Essie's "A-list", and (now) blogged! (AND b/c today was a holiday, I got paid for all of this!!) All of these fabulous evening activities have been accompanied by a (larger than usual) glass of freaking amazing pinot noir. Mirassou, will you marry me? Because I can't quit you. Today at the store I bought a new bottle I've never tried before: Lindemans (also pinot noir, I'm not fixing it because it's not broke). We'll bust open the new bottle this weekend and I'll review it later. It's from Autralia, so it's probs awesome. And I hope it comes with a sexy accent. Or gives me a sexy accent when I drink it. However, I guess any wine could give you a sexy accent if you drink enough of it. Well, you'd think it was sexy, all the sober people around would probably just want you to shut the hell up.
Ok kids, that's all for now. Time for bed because I've gots to get up early to go work my booty off and bring home the bacon! P.S. It's supposed to snow on Saturday. I hate everything. Until then, cold/rainy. But never fear, I have my houndstooth rain boots and umbrella (yes, they're BOTH houndstooth) ready to go! AND tomorrow is a jeans day at work, aka BEST DAY EVER. AND we get a free lunch b/c out sales were awesome a couple weeks ago. YESSSSSSSSSS

Thursday, October 21, 2010


I made the most awesome chili in the history of chili. And it's super easy so you should make it, too! Here is my recipe!

  • Carroll Shelby's Chili Kit (It's in a little brown box in the grocery store and it makes chili super easy, so you should get it because it'll save you tons of time and money instead of measuring out your own spices)
  • 1 pound ground beef
  • 1 green bell pepper
  • 2 onions (1 for the chili, one for you to chop up to put on top of each bowl!)
  • 2 10oz. cans RO*TEL diced tomatoes and green chilies (it all comes together in 1 can, kids)
  • 1 4oz. can green chilies (mild)
  • 3 15oz. cans of beans (this is where you get to have fun: pick your faves! My fam varies on our beans of choice for chili, but my favorites are dark red kidney beans, white kidney beans [aka Cannellini], and either pinto or chili beans. I get 1 can of each)
  • a smidge of shredded cheddar cheese to put on top of each bowl of chili!
  • 1 glass of wine, to be enjoyed while cooking
  • 1 beer, to be enjoyed while eating your final product :)


  • In a skillet, brown the ground beef until just done. (If you're going to be doing this in a crock pot for an extended period of time (more than a couple hours) brown it until still pretty rare, it'll cook more when it's chili!)
  • While the hamburger is cooking, chop the bell pepper and onion. How small you chop it will depend on your preferences and how long you plan on cooking it. If it's going to cook in a crock pot all day, they cook down to smaller pieces, so cut bigger chunks so they have room to shrink.
  • Drain the grease from the ground beef into your handy dandy grease jar (mine lives in the freezer b/c grease is gross and I am less grossed out by it if it's frozen into a solid form)
  • Toss the ground beef, bell pepper, and onion into your big pot. Add the beans (don't drain them! add the liquid too!), tomatoes and green chilies (again, don't drain!), green chilies (don't even think about draining this can), and large spice bag.
  • If you're Daneish or cooking for Daneish, add the entire cayene packet. If you're a wimp, don't add this packet. 
  • If you're going to be letting this cook for a while, I recommend adding the masa packet because it gets thin when it cooks for hours. It's super easy, just mix with masa packet with 1/3 cup water and toss it in the pot!
  • Now just stir it all together (make sure you stir well, the spices have a tendency to clump) and let it cook on a low heat for as long as you can wait until you simply must devour it!!

Clearly, I make my chili in my crock pot (shout out to Dane's stepmom, Tracy for the crock pot house warming gift!! Thanks for making my life easier!!) and let it cook all day. I love it because I can throw it all together in the morning before work and when I get home at night, dinner is ready! This is how I would recommend making your chili, simply because it's so easy, but you can do it on the stove in a couple hours, too! Of course, you don't actually NEED a couple hours to make it on the stove, it just tastes better when it has time to soak up the yummy spices. And you'll definitely need to let it simmer for a while if you add the masa to thicken it, it'll taste grainy if the masa doesn't cook enough. And that's it! I add chopped onions and shredded cheese to mine when I eat it and it's SO GOOD!! I'm very happy with how my latest batch turned out today! It was plenty hot for Daneish's tastes and just generally yummy! However, I apparently need to teach Daneish the crock pot rule. If he'd been raised in my family (let's all be glad he wasn't though, because that'd be weird when we go to apply for a marriage license) he would know that if there is something cooking in a crock pot, every time you go into the kitchen, you stir it, scraping all the sides so it doesn't stick. I definitely had chili stuck to the sides of my crock pot tonight because SOMEBODY didn't stir the chili while he was home today. But he's had a long day today, so I'm willing to give him a break and teach him the crock pot rule. But if this happens again, he'd better watch his back!

Well, you already know tonight's menu, so I'll fill you in on last night's menu (salmon, wild rice, and green beans) and tomorrow's menu (either leftover chili or chipotle, it's up to Daneish)

Best part of the week so far: meeting a big wig of my region at work. However, he put quite a conundrum in my noggin. I had always planned on stopping working as soon as we can afford for me to so that I can be at home to raise our future children. But after hearing him speak today, I'm really inspired and kind of excited by the idea of being able to have a big career of my own. But this really adds a lot more things for me to think about, like if the guilt of being a working mom would be too much for me to handle, if we'll even be able to find a daycare that we trust enough to watch our genetically superior children (obviously our kids will be genetically superior, have you SEEN the two of us?), and if Dane and I could keep any semblance of a real relationship if we're both working our butts off at the same time to get to where we want to be in our respective careers. So this is definitely weighing on my mind right now and I'm trying to figure out how I really feel about it. I know Dane will support me either way, but he'd probably actually prefer that I keep working as long as possible because it'll put us in a better financial position as well as keep me occupied :) The good part is that we don't need to make any kind of a decision for many years! There won't be any little kiddies for at least 5 years and even though we won't be able to afford to live on Dane's residency income, so I'll still be working for a while after kiddies anyway! So that's where my mind is right now, but I probably won't come to any resolution until we have the time to sit down and really look at all our options. And I'm sure our decision will change every time a new opportunity at work comes along, so we'll just have to wait and see! It would be pretty cool to be a big wig at work though... :)

What I'm most looking forward to: getting our apartment cleaned up this weekend! I've been busy with training all week, so things have kind of piled up. I can't wait to get it all cleaned and organized again!

Best blessing in disguise this week: my car battery dying yesterday! Not only did 2 ridiculously good looking firemen jump my car, but I got some down time by myself (very rare!!) while Sears was replacing it to wander around Target and finish our registry. The scanny gun thing was super fun and I got our registry all rounded out! We still need to add bedding and towels, etc. but we'll have to do that together! And everything else is done, so feel free to buy us stuff!! Everyone knows I'm really only marrying Dane so I can get new knives and pots and pans!

Ok that's all for tonight, it's time to paint my nails in preparation for my first day at my real job tomorrow! Feel free to make requests for any blog post topics you'd like to hear my opinion on! As you all know, I have many opinions! Happy upcoming weekend, everyone!

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

There! I fixed football. DONE.

Ok so I usually don't give much of a crap about sports, but my intake has greatly increased since moving in with Daneish. I now watch quite a bit of SportsCenter and many a professional game. Lately this has meant football and baseball. And from watching football this weekend, I have come to realize that something must be done. If you've heard anything about football recently, you know about the helmet to helmet hits that have occurred as of late. Now I'm not going to bother to do any further research about this topic because I'm done with school and it's my blog so I don't have to. But I think we can all agree that these intentional hits are increasing in both number and severity as of late. We'll get to my simple solution later, first let's look at the ridiculous arguments coming from both the players and the commentators on ESPN.
The most irritating to me is the "better to be hit too high than too low" comment. This suggests that your knees are so fragile that a single hit there can be completely crippling, so it's better to be hit higher. Um... I'm not sure if you've heard of Mike Utley*. Utley is the former Detroit Lions player who was forced to retire in his 3rd year in the NFL (1991) after he suffered an extreme hit that resulted in paralysis from the chest down. That's right, paralyzed. As in can't walk. As in is lucky to have use of his arms. [Please also take the time to do some internet searches on Eric LeGrand**. He's a Rutgers junior who suffered a spinal cord injury on Saturday that looks like it's going to end in paralysis from the neck down. He currently has no movement below his neck, but it's too early to have a more final diagnosis. This injury didn't result from a helmet to helmet hit, but it came from tackle he was making when he lead with his head. Clearly this was an accidental injury, there was a big crowd of players around so his hit was difficult to make. But it'a prime example of how a single hit to the head can have major repercussions for a long time to come.] But you're right ESPN commentators, getting hit in the knees is much better. Because knee replacements are pretty popular now, but vertebrae replacements are going to be AWESOME! Yes, a single hit in the knees can be career-ending and you will probably only suffer a concussion from a hit in the head. But there's also such a thing as too many concussions and there's also a hell of a chance that a single hit in the head will not only be career-ending, but also walk-ending, and quite possibly life-ending. So your knee argument is garbage and you should be embarrassed for sharing it on tv.
Another popular idea on ESPN today was that the National Football League facilitated the popularity of helmet to helmet hits because all of their promotional video and highlights feature the hardest of hits. I agree, they do sensationalize the hard hits. But there is a big difference between big tackles and getting another guys helmet thrown into your own. I think that all football players go into that job knowing that they're most definitely going to get hurt and may get hurt so badly that they are forced to stop playing football before they want to. Everyone knows that there are no old men in football (except Brett Favre, but we're all dying for him to retire for real. Move along Brett, your Wranglers await you. Real. Comfortable. Jeans.) because you simply can't play such a physical sport for a long time. Your body can't do it. But no football players enters the league with the idea that they have to be prepared for an illegal hit because the league facilitated it. Hard hits are to be expected, illegal hits are not. So the NFL can have all the highlights of big tackles they want, as long as they're all legal hits that encourage good sportsmanship.
The least convincing argument I heard today was that linemen can't stop their momentum or can't help making a head to head hit because they're moving so fast with so much momentum. Wait... these are professional athletes, right? It's their entire job to make tackles, right? And they practice this job from childhood with the same rules they are expected to follow in the NFL, right? So they've had years of practice doing this one job and we're supposed to believe that they aren't good enough at it to have a target area? Baseball pitchers have a strike zone, why don't football tackles have to adhere to a similar standard? Oh that's right, they should have to. So take your can't help it excuse elsewhere because it's not helping these injured players walk again.
AND here's my idea for punishment for offending players: yes they should be fined. But fines aren't enough for these guys who make millions. They need to be suspended. And these need to be suspensions that make an example of the offenders. Here's my creative idea of how these suspensions should work: minimum of 1 game suspension. Period. And if the guy they hit is injured? The offending player is suspended for the equal amount of games that his victim is out while recovering. And if the injury is career-ending? The regular football season is 16 games, so the offending player should be suspended for 8 games. The other guy will never play again, you can sit out half a season to have some time to think about what an asshole you are.
There! I fixed football. DONE.

*Ok, I did google that to figure out his actual name. So I guess I did some research...
My google? "Detroit Lions paralysis"
**I would not recommend ESPN's video of the hit. It's tough to watch and won't improve your mood. Stick to the print articles, no videos.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood OR Boyz n the Hood

Here's a little more about our neighborhood and living situation here in Omaha. It's mildly ridiculous. First off: we live in the hood. There's pretty much an invisible line half way down our street separating the nice houses up the street from the sketchy houses down the street. And there's a scattering of a few sketchy houses on the nice house side and a few nice houses on the sketchy house side. Our building is one of the nice houses on the sketchy house side. Our neighbor on the right is a dumpy house and our neighbor on the left is a dumpy apartment complex with a parking lot filled with dumpy pimpmobiles. It's a lovely experience. The parking lot is behind our building and comfortably holds 4 cars. So we squeeze 10 in. This caused Dane a ton of stress but we've all kind of come up with our assigned spots, so it's all worked out now. Except when the douche bags who park on the right start shifting to the left and squishing us left side parkers towards the wall. Screw those right side parkers. Also, Daneish and I have to double park each other so we can actually park in the lot and off the street. Whatevs.
Now let's get to the good stuff, aka who lives in our building! We live in a small building, only 6 units total (3 stories, 2 apartments on each floor). We like it because almost everyone is a grad student like Daneish, so they're quiet and keep similar hours. Perfect. Except that many of our neighbors are assholes! Let's do the rundown of the building: We live in the basement with Heidi and Eddie. Across from us is Doug. I have yet to meet Doug b/c he's the newest neighbor. He gets lots of packages delivered but is rarely home (hence why I haven't met him despite our front doors being 4 feet apart). He also had Cox Business come by and do some work, so in my own melodrama that I created for him, he has a wife and family elsewhere with a fake job that they know about, but his real job is housed in his apartment here and when he comes here, they think he's on business trips. Clearly, Doug is an illegal arms dealer or in the mob. But Doug is quiet and voluntarily parks on the street, thus leaving an open spot in the lot for the other tenants, so he's ok in my book. Above us are 2 med students, Erik and Tim. They're super great. They keep the same hours as Dane, Tim plays on his intramural ultimate frisbee team, and they gave us cookies a couple weeks ago. They are the winners for my favorite neighbors. They're also fairly quiet, very nice, and Tim tolerated me drunkenly talking his ear off at a med school party before the semester started. Anyone who can put up with that automatically wins my respect. Now the next 2 groups of tenants run together in my head, I can't tell them apart. It's the apartment across from Erik/Tim's and the one above that one. They both have fairly unattractive female tenants and they all drive 4 door sedans, so they're all the same in my head. They are also the worst offenders at shifting over in the parking lot so we get squished. I generally dislike them, based only on their parking issues and unattractiveness. Which brings us to the last apartment in the building, the one two floors above us. It is inhabited by a couple, the wife in is law school and the husband is a loser. Dane refers to him as a "Gomer" (as in Gomer Pyle) and is incredibly distracted by the large gap in his front teeth. I hate them for many reasons. These reasons are: 1. They ALWAYS leave their clothes in the communal washing machines/dryers for DAYS. It is super irritating and really drives me up a wall. 2. They park next to us and take up more space than they should. 3. They're weird runners. I'm all for people who work out and I know running is a popular sport that involves all kinds of mental highs, etc. that I know nothing about. But these people are weird, even for runners. 4. They are GROSS. I saw a Subway bag (full of big food wrappers, meaning to me that there was still leftover food in it) sitting in their car for over a month. DISGUSTING. 5. He's a LIAR. During our first week here, we suddenly started having water leak down from the ceiling in our bathroom. We also heard water running somewhere else in the building. I ran up to the second floor to see if they were running water, etc. There was no answer but I heard the running water sound stop. Dane went up to the third floor to see if they knew anything about the apartment between us (we didn't know at the time, but the 2nd floor apt was empty at the time). When Dane explained to Gomer why we were asking, he was like "oh, water's leaking? In the bathroom? I don't know anything about it." Hey Gomer, Dane hadn't mentioned the bathroom, just water leaking. We found out later from the maintenance people that Gomer had overflowed his bathtub and it wasn't the first time he'd done it. Now I understand overflowing a bathtub, I've done it before. BUT ONLY ONCE. Apparently this is a regular thing for Gomer. Ugh. And idiot AND a liar. So that's our awesome pack of neighbors. No BFFs, but generally tolerable.
Our apartment came with a lot of issues. When we moved in, we noticed a damp spot on the carpet in our bedroom and assumed they had just cleaned the carpet there because there were some stains there too. We found out the next morning when the spot was bigger and wetter that it was actually the A/C unit leaking water. It was a several week process to actually get the leaking stopped and then followed many visits to repair the closet the A/C thing is in as well as remove the subsequent mold. There were also another couple dozen other things that needed fixing/replacing when we moved in. While I've lived in other apartments before so am used to places that need work upon arrival, this place and it's long list of needs really upset me. For a few days, I'd always seem to find something new that needed fixing at night time and it was just enough to set me off to crying and bitching about the hell-hole we lived in. So I think Dane was pretty worried about me being able to hack it here for a while, but I've recovered pretty nicely! It took a few nasty e-mails to the management company and some google-ing about renters rights, but it's livable now! Now that it's functional, I like our apartment. The walls are made of paper so we hear our neighbors, but they're generally quiet so it's not bad. And now we can laugh about living in a real-life version of the movie Duplex.
Dane and I have a good routine going so our little apartment works for us! Dane is in charge on garbage, so he takes it out when it gets full. I do... everything else. This is laundry, cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, errand running, big errand stuff like car repairs, and small handyman work around here. I have a pretty good schedule going to keep everything running, my favorite of which being laundry weekends. I try to always do it on a weekend morning, before the other neighbors get up. Doing our laundry has drawn to my attention the extreme collection of boxers and undershirts that Dane has acquired. This kid has 2 (count them, TWO) pairs of jeans TOTAL and like 40 pairs of boxers. I don't know if he was stocking up in case he was in charge of his own laundry or what, but it's ridiculous. There is no space for me to put his clean ones away and it drives me nuts. BUT our apartment is furnished and usually in pretty good shape, so we're happy here!

Our big plans for tonight: dinner at home while we register at Target for the wedding. We plan to hook Dane's computer up to the tv so we can register on the bigger screen. That's a pretty hot Sunday night date!

My biggest happy moment of the week: randomly discovering while out shopping that something I was planning on getting for my bridesmaids was on SALE!! Then a SUPER helpful salesgirl (shout out to Becky!) called a couple different locations for me to secure the SEVEN items that I needed. Super exciting!! Hooray sale and helpful people!

Thing I'm most looking forward to in the upcoming week: More training at work (I love learning how to do the job I was actually hired for!) and another babysitting job on Saturday. The family I babysit for here is cute and the kids are pretty well-behaved, so I enjoy it. AND I like getting the extra cash (it goes right into the wedding savings jar)!!

There's this week's update, kids! If I get some free time this week, I'll post some more!

Thursday, October 7, 2010

True Life: I live in Omaha, NE

DISCLAIMER: This post is not funny. It's just my life. If you're here looking for the usual Emily hilarity, wait for another post, this one is not for you. If you're here looking for updates on our lives, read on!

People have been wanting to know what life is like for Dane and me, so here it is! Here's a smidge of a day in the life of us:
6/6:30am (depending on how much I have to do before work): Eddie wakes me up for his morning walk. This involves him coming into our bedroom, shaking so his collar makes jingly noises, then sitting on the floor by my side of the bed and whining. This is the "wake up, I have to pee" signal. I get up, take Eddie for his morning walk, feed him, say hi to Heidi, and take a shower.
7am: Dane's alarm goes off and I get out of the shower so he can get ready for school. He makes himself a quick breakfast and then eats it... IN THE SHOWER. I've always known that Dane likes to shower and would spend a lot of time there if he could, but his level of multi-tasking is a little extreme. However, it works for him, so who am I to complain? While he gets ready for school, I prep that night's dinner, make us lunches, or do some quick cleaning, etc. around the apartment.
7:45am: Dane leaves to get to school by 8 and I snag the bathroom again to finish getting ready for work. I get dressed, do my hair and makeup, and make sure the bedroom doors are closed to Eddie doesn't have a urine heyday in them.
8:30am: I leave for work and enjoy my 20 minute commute down to Bellevue, NE. It's all highway and I'm leaving Omaha, so am never stuck in heavy traffic. This is also where I have seen several road-killed raccoons lately. It's the little things people, the little things... Once I get to work, I make deposits and withdrawals, cash checks, sell cashiers checks, and make my daily to do list. This list includes what I'm going to make for dinner, what errands I need to run on the way home, and what light cleaning, etc. I'm going to do that night. I love these lists, but rarely actually look at them after I leave work.
12pm: Dane's lunch hour! He usually comes home to eat and also lets Eddie out for his afternoon walk, but sometimes he has extra classes during lunch. On these days, I race home from work, toss Eddie out the front door, grab some food and eat it in the car on my way back to work. This only happens a couple days a week, MAX so it's not much of an inconvenience for me. AND it makes sure that I'm not stuck with the super late lunch hour at work :)
3pm: The time Dane is usually done with school on Tuesday and Thursdays. Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays are later because he has anatomy lab, so it's usually 5ish. He comes straight home and starts studying.
6pm: I get off work and head home to make dinner!
6:30pm: I make dinner, tidy up, load the dishwasher, and settle into my nightly sweatpants. (Dane is still studying while all of this ensues).
7ish pm: We eat dinner. Lately we've been eating on the couch while we watch whatever is on ESPN at the time, but I'm going to try to make our dining room table more inviting so we can actually sit down together and have a real conversation. One of us takes Eddie out after dinner for his evening walk and Dane goes back to studying.
Primetime: I watch whatever gems Bravo has to offer that evening with Eddie on my left, Heidi on my right, and my computer on my lap. The "kids" (aka Eddie and Heidi) are getting along very well now. They've learned to co-exist by simply staying on their own sides of the couch and generally leaving each other alone. (Dane continues to study while I veg out and turn my brain off entirely).
11pm: Dane calls it a night on studying and goes to bed. I wrap up my uber important facebook stalking/online shopping and do the same. However, my time-management skills aren't fully developed and I sometimes make this a 12-1am bedtime or have to get up at 5:30 to get everything on my list completed.

We live in a super cute two bedroom apartment about 3 blocks from Creighton. It needed about a million repairs when we first moved in and it took many a week to get it all back to where it needed to be, but I love it now. However, apparently no one in Nebraska has belongings because there is NO storage space here! Our kitchen has literally HALF of a lower cabinet for storage. So our cutting boards have a home! As for the rest of the food/kitchen supplies, I had to use my ghetto college storage cube thing as a pantry. And all of the closets are packed to the brim, but we got all of our stuff in!
Clearly, Dane studies all the time, but we're both doing well. I usually see him at dinner (except for the nights that he eats in his office while he studies) and on the weekends he is sometimes able to make room for football study breaks. I know people have been worried about us fighting and not getting along now that we share the same abode, but we see each other so little, we don't have anything to fight about! And I honestly am really happy to get to be here to take care of Dane and make sure that his life runs as smoothly as possible while he's so busy. It's taken a while to get used to him looking like a zombie all the time, but with all of the work he's doing, it's to be expected.
We've changed as a couple, but it's been a good change. It's less about us each as individuals and more about working together towards a common goal. We really enjoy the time we do get to spend together and even if we do something as simple as watching a football game, it's nice to be able to take that smidgen of time to do it together.
I found a church here that I really like, so I'm becoming a member this Sunday! It reminds me a lot of our church in AZ and I found myself looking forward to Sunday mornings, so decided it's probably worth joining. I'm hoping to do a dual-membership so that I don't have to re-join our AZ church when we move back. But I'm very happy to have found a good church home here in Omaha. And eventually, when Dane gets a more regular schedule with school, I'll drag him along with me as well. For now, I kind of enjoy my hour of sitting in church by myself :)
I'm working on my cooking skills and trying out new recipes when I have the energy. Tonight's menu was salmon with wild rice and green beans. Pretty darn yummy for my first shot at fish! I'm going to tweak a few things next time around, but I was pretty proud of it! (My meter for success is how much Dane consumes. Tonight he asked for seconds!)
As of last week I've decided to turn over a new leaf and really embrace Omaha and my life here (don't get me wrong, I'm not genuinely unhappy, I've just been whining and bitching and it's kind of made me grumpy). So I'm planning on adding a work out into my morning to start my day off on the right foot and stay on top of my housework and our finances so I have the time and $ to go out with friends whenever possible. I need to make more of an effort to build my own life here because Dane doesn't have the time or energy to do it with me. I'm going to reach out to the Omaha alumni chapter of Gamma Phi and also try to get more involved in the church here. So here's to my new life plan and hopefully some more menu successes!

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Ode to Bravo

Dear Bravo,
I thought you should know how much your programming means to me. You get me through each day. I spend my boring and tough days at work looking forward to what reality drama you will entertain me with that night.
I can't even begin to tell you how much joy the Real Housewives have brought me. Obviously Orange County was the perfect place to start. But the additions of Atlanta, New York, DC, and New Jersey were simply genius. I look forward to the Beverly Hills ladies, even though it IS kind of a cop out, what with being so close to Orange County... And I know I'm probably biased, but can we get a season in Scottsdale or Paradise Valley up in here? But I'll always love you, Real Housewives, no matter where you live. My goal in life is to become a Real Housewife. But I know Dane will always be too shy to appear on the show, so he'll have to become the unseen financial backer, a la Big Poppa. For now, I'll be a Real Housewife in training. Like Gretchen. And thank you Real Housewives for the spin off of Bethenny Getting Married? I've always loved Bethenny, but this show makes me love her (now) husband even more than her! How that man can be patient enough to put up with her Type-A, anti-social behavior I'll never know, but I hope Dane is taking notes because my girl Bethenny and I are sim-i-lar!
And while the Real Housewives series is fantastic, nothing will ever top Shear Genius. This show is the top of the Bravo food chain in my book. The stylists are naturally outgoing, crazy, and passionate about their "craft". I hope the rest of America is watching this with me so I don't have to worry about it not coming back for another season. This is the one show I never miss an episode of. It is the BEST. So if any of my 3 readers don't yet watch Shear Genius, please start. I need this show to survive. However, the new host? Matthew McConaughey's baby mama? She's got to go. That accent and the lack of English makes me crazy. I would prefer an English speaking host because this ain't Telemundo. (No, this isn't some "this is 'merica, speak our language" racism, just a simple request for English on an English show. But thanks). And of course, this led to the best spin-off ever: Tabatha's Salon Takeover! This British bitch is freaking awesome. And the salons she visits are freaking disgusting. I got my hair cut at Great Clips in Omaha, Nebraska today and even IT looked better than the sick dumps they've got on this show. And I think we need to do a 6 month follow up, because the 6 week follow up doesn't cut it for me. I know all those idiot salon owners who are thousands in debt because they want to OWN a salon, not WORK in a salon can't keep their businesses going after Tabatha leaves. The new paint and fancy chairs can't fix stupid! But I love watching those train wrecks week after week!
Now let's talk about Flipping Out. Bravo, you don't know this, but I would be the best assistant Jeff Lewis has ever had. Seriously. You need to give him my contact info. I would be his assistant, project manager, and BFF. So really, give him my info. I'll move to CA and work for him for the rest of my life. Clearly he pays well, Zoila has Gucci bags and gets bikini waxes. And she's just the HOUSEKEEPER...
The Millionaire Matchmaker. Patti Stanger, you's one crazy betch. You're the Jeff Lewis of love. And I like it. However, I recently googled you and think your "exclusive" dating club might be more like "guy who's net worth is technically a million dollars, but subtract credit card debt, student loans, and business debts, you've got a guy who's liquid assets are more like $20". So I'll still totally watch your show, but you can drop the whole act about having wealthy clients. We all know any real self-respecting millionaire would NEVER appear on your show. There are plenty of wealthy and eligible bachelors in Hollywood and the business world who are not on your show, hence why we get a whole lot of nobodies and fame-seekers. Just sayin'...
Another miss in the Bravo arena is Work of Art. While I love anything that my girl Sarah Jessica Parker is behind, this show flops because of the contestants. They're too artsy and too annoying. None of you are ever going to make it as artists to the point where you don't also have to wait tables to pay the bills. Stop now, save us all the pain of looking at your "art" and get a real job. K thanks.
I took a while to warm up to Top Chef because I wasn't sure a food show was for me. Can't believe I missed out on years of this fantastic show! Quick fires and restaurant wars and Padma oh my! Thank you for teaching me about ceviches and foams and confit and other ridiculously fancy food words. I'm still not totally sure what all of those words are, but they look pretty on the plates and sound cool when the chefs tell Tom what they made! Keep it up chefs! And keep up the man drama! (Does anyone else think it's awesome that the men ALWAYS fight more than the women on this show! Loves it!)
I'm glad that Jackie Warner is back with a new show because I loved her old Work Out! Thintervention is especially awesome because it also involves Jeana, the best part of the Orange County Housewives. I love her fat ass and hope she can whip it back into Playboy model shape. Girlfriend has enough self-esteem issues, here's to hoping that obesity isn't one of them anymore! Also, Nikki is a freaking train wreck and I'm kind of hoping she stays fat, just to teach her a lesson. Btw Nikki, the whole drunken party girl thing was cute in college, time to be a grown up. Now you're just an alcoholic fatty. Get to runnin', girl.
The shows that feature some of my female faves: My Life on the D List, Kell on Earth, and The Rachel Zoe Project. Kathy Griffin has got to be the best female comedian EVER. No, Chelsea Handler's stand up isn't as good so she's not the best. Kathy's stand is some of the best I've ever seen, hands down! (Shout out to Jessica Pieters who went with me!) Kelly Cutrone was awesome on The Hills and she's even better on her own show! She is another Bravo-lebrity who I would totally work for! LOVE her! Rachel Zoe is someone I have a bit of a love/hate relationship with. She is totally an emotionless troll, BUT Brad and Rodger absolutely save this show for me. And is it just me or does Rachel seem to have a better sense of humor this season? But let's all be honest: Rachel is way to skinny to actually carry a child, so the whole baby debate with Rodger is a moot point. Move on.
A couple other shows on Bravo that are at least worth mentioning: 9 by Design and Million Dollar Listing. 9 by Design rocks because their style is fantastic. Their taste in massive furniture and way cool homes is so cool. And their kids are GORGEOUS. Seriously, I wish they were my parents just so I could look like those damn kids. And Million Dollar Listing: who knew the Jonas brothers could sell property?!
But Bravo... you made an epic mistake as of late and I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive you for it: DROPPING PROJECT RUNWAY?! Are you KIDDING ME? We're talking Heidi Klum and TIM GUNN! Forget me, I would find a way to survive somehow, but TIM GUNN?! Don't you EVER mess with my Tim Gunn! (AhNDRE!) Thank GOD Lifetime picked up your slack! But seriously, do you know how hard it is for me to remember what channel Lifetime is on? I've got you down Bravo, but Lifetime is a tough one! So I'm working on forgiving you, but you should know that I will NEVER forget this.
That is all for now, Bravo. But please do reconsider your decision regarding Project Runway. I'd appreciate it being back on an easy-to-remember channel.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Toffee Mocha

Has anyone else had the delightful opportunity to consume this beverage? Because it's freaking amazing. I would give my right arm to consume it every day. Or Dane. I would trade Dane for this coffee confection. It's just a regular mocha, except with a buttery toffee flavor to it that makes it so smooth and amazing. We're talking life changing, people! I have a crazy urge to purchase whatever glorious ingredients make this drink so I can have it year-round. THIS is what starts a hoarding problem. Someone finds something that they really love and then panic that they won't be able to have it forever, so they hoard it. Well, I'm a hoarder for toffee mocha! IT IS THE MOST AMAZING DRINK EVER. The word "drink" seems too inferior for the sheer miracle that is this beverage. It's too good for "drink", it's a liquid from God. Starbucks didn't conceive this recipe, God did. No mere human had a hand in this glorious thing. Now I need to re-work my budget so I can get a toffee mocha EVERY FREAKING DAY. Prescription drugs can go, right? Who needs health when you have toffee mocha?!

Disclaimer: I do not seriously believe that God created the new Toffee Mocha from Starbucks. Clearly, someone at Starbucks made this flavor combination. Please keep your letters about soiling the name of God with sarcasm to yourself. Thanks.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Ask and you shall receive

Well kids, you asked for a blog and you GOT one!  I'm still working on figuring out how I'm going to configure the whole thing and what aspects this blog will feature.  But come back soon and I'll have the whole thing worked out.  Get excited, I think this blog is going to be pretty freaking awesome.  This whole thing is to keep everyone informed and involved in our Omaha adventure.  More to come soon!