Ode to Bravo

Dear Bravo,
I thought you should know how much your programming means to me. You get me through each day. I spend my boring and tough days at work looking forward to what reality drama you will entertain me with that night.
I can't even begin to tell you how much joy the Real Housewives have brought me. Obviously Orange County was the perfect place to start. But the additions of Atlanta, New York, DC, and New Jersey were simply genius. I look forward to the Beverly Hills ladies, even though it IS kind of a cop out, what with being so close to Orange County... And I know I'm probably biased, but can we get a season in Scottsdale or Paradise Valley up in here? But I'll always love you, Real Housewives, no matter where you live. My goal in life is to become a Real Housewife. But I know Dane will always be too shy to appear on the show, so he'll have to become the unseen financial backer, a la Big Poppa. For now, I'll be a Real Housewife in training. Like Gretchen. And thank you Real Housewives for the spin off of Bethenny Getting Married? I've always loved Bethenny, but this show makes me love her (now) husband even more than her! How that man can be patient enough to put up with her Type-A, anti-social behavior I'll never know, but I hope Dane is taking notes because my girl Bethenny and I are sim-i-lar!
And while the Real Housewives series is fantastic, nothing will ever top Shear Genius. This show is the top of the Bravo food chain in my book. The stylists are naturally outgoing, crazy, and passionate about their "craft". I hope the rest of America is watching this with me so I don't have to worry about it not coming back for another season. This is the one show I never miss an episode of. It is the BEST. So if any of my 3 readers don't yet watch Shear Genius, please start. I need this show to survive. However, the new host? Matthew McConaughey's baby mama? She's got to go. That accent and the lack of English makes me crazy. I would prefer an English speaking host because this ain't Telemundo. (No, this isn't some "this is 'merica, speak our language" racism, just a simple request for English on an English show. But thanks). And of course, this led to the best spin-off ever: Tabatha's Salon Takeover! This British bitch is freaking awesome. And the salons she visits are freaking disgusting. I got my hair cut at Great Clips in Omaha, Nebraska today and even IT looked better than the sick dumps they've got on this show. And I think we need to do a 6 month follow up, because the 6 week follow up doesn't cut it for me. I know all those idiot salon owners who are thousands in debt because they want to OWN a salon, not WORK in a salon can't keep their businesses going after Tabatha leaves. The new paint and fancy chairs can't fix stupid! But I love watching those train wrecks week after week!
Now let's talk about Flipping Out. Bravo, you don't know this, but I would be the best assistant Jeff Lewis has ever had. Seriously. You need to give him my contact info. I would be his assistant, project manager, and BFF. So really, give him my info. I'll move to CA and work for him for the rest of my life. Clearly he pays well, Zoila has Gucci bags and gets bikini waxes. And she's just the HOUSEKEEPER...
The Millionaire Matchmaker. Patti Stanger, you's one crazy betch. You're the Jeff Lewis of love. And I like it. However, I recently googled you and think your "exclusive" dating club might be more like "guy who's net worth is technically a million dollars, but subtract credit card debt, student loans, and business debts, you've got a guy who's liquid assets are more like $20". So I'll still totally watch your show, but you can drop the whole act about having wealthy clients. We all know any real self-respecting millionaire would NEVER appear on your show. There are plenty of wealthy and eligible bachelors in Hollywood and the business world who are not on your show, hence why we get a whole lot of nobodies and fame-seekers. Just sayin'...
Another miss in the Bravo arena is Work of Art. While I love anything that my girl Sarah Jessica Parker is behind, this show flops because of the contestants. They're too artsy and too annoying. None of you are ever going to make it as artists to the point where you don't also have to wait tables to pay the bills. Stop now, save us all the pain of looking at your "art" and get a real job. K thanks.
I took a while to warm up to Top Chef because I wasn't sure a food show was for me. Can't believe I missed out on years of this fantastic show! Quick fires and restaurant wars and Padma oh my! Thank you for teaching me about ceviches and foams and confit and other ridiculously fancy food words. I'm still not totally sure what all of those words are, but they look pretty on the plates and sound cool when the chefs tell Tom what they made! Keep it up chefs! And keep up the man drama! (Does anyone else think it's awesome that the men ALWAYS fight more than the women on this show! Loves it!)
I'm glad that Jackie Warner is back with a new show because I loved her old Work Out! Thintervention is especially awesome because it also involves Jeana, the best part of the Orange County Housewives. I love her fat ass and hope she can whip it back into Playboy model shape. Girlfriend has enough self-esteem issues, here's to hoping that obesity isn't one of them anymore! Also, Nikki is a freaking train wreck and I'm kind of hoping she stays fat, just to teach her a lesson. Btw Nikki, the whole drunken party girl thing was cute in college, time to be a grown up. Now you're just an alcoholic fatty. Get to runnin', girl.
The shows that feature some of my female faves: My Life on the D List, Kell on Earth, and The Rachel Zoe Project. Kathy Griffin has got to be the best female comedian EVER. No, Chelsea Handler's stand up isn't as good so she's not the best. Kathy's stand is some of the best I've ever seen, hands down! (Shout out to Jessica Pieters who went with me!) Kelly Cutrone was awesome on The Hills and she's even better on her own show! She is another Bravo-lebrity who I would totally work for! LOVE her! Rachel Zoe is someone I have a bit of a love/hate relationship with. She is totally an emotionless troll, BUT Brad and Rodger absolutely save this show for me. And is it just me or does Rachel seem to have a better sense of humor this season? But let's all be honest: Rachel is way to skinny to actually carry a child, so the whole baby debate with Rodger is a moot point. Move on.
A couple other shows on Bravo that are at least worth mentioning: 9 by Design and Million Dollar Listing. 9 by Design rocks because their style is fantastic. Their taste in massive furniture and way cool homes is so cool. And their kids are GORGEOUS. Seriously, I wish they were my parents just so I could look like those damn kids. And Million Dollar Listing: who knew the Jonas brothers could sell property?!
But Bravo... you made an epic mistake as of late and I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive you for it: DROPPING PROJECT RUNWAY?! Are you KIDDING ME? We're talking Heidi Klum and TIM GUNN! Forget me, I would find a way to survive somehow, but TIM GUNN?! Don't you EVER mess with my Tim Gunn! (AhNDRE!) Thank GOD Lifetime picked up your slack! But seriously, do you know how hard it is for me to remember what channel Lifetime is on? I've got you down Bravo, but Lifetime is a tough one! So I'm working on forgiving you, but you should know that I will NEVER forget this.
That is all for now, Bravo. But please do reconsider your decision regarding Project Runway. I'd appreciate it being back on an easy-to-remember channel.
Fondly,
Emily