Wednesday, December 15, 2010

I don't get it

As a blonde, there are many things I don't understand. Here are the ones that confuse/bother me the most:

Charmin Extra Strong: HOW HARD ARE YOU PEOPLE WIPING YOUR ASSES? I have never had this thought after doing my business: "Oh no! Pieces left behind! If only they made stronger toilet paper to accommodate my super human butt wiping strength!" It's a sensitive area people, be gentle! And it's not going to run away, it's your own stationary ass, you don't need to trap it. Simply clean up and move on. Calm down before you go there. I don't get it.

McDonald's McRib Sandwich: um... gross. For one thing, I'm never eating "rib meat" from McDonald's. But more importantly, why is it shaped like an actual rack of ribs? Most people are aware that a rack of ribs includes bones between the rib meat. So is McDonald's trying to simulate bones but instead of using actual bones, it's processed "rib meat"? That's horrifying. What would possibly posses someone to eat such a wretched piece of OBVIOUSLY fake food? I mean let's all be honest here, ALL of the food at McDonald's is fake, but at least it's shaped realistically like the real deal. McRib isn't something I'd touch with a ten foot pole. Fake meat shaped like bones. I don't get it.

Inappropriate suggestions for wedding registries: We have a few registries at different stores and one of them comes with suggestions about what to put on your registry. Great, right? Except some of them are completely inappropriate! A few of them are for lady shavers. Like I'm going to put that on my registry and say to every guest who looks at it "Hi wedding guest! Want to buy us this trimmer so I can keep up my lady bits?" Um... no thanks. WHO would add that to their registry? I feel uncomfortable enough adding an electric toothbrush to our registry! I need a new electric toothbrush and it's a totally normal thing, but it just feels too personal for a registry! Same goes for sheets! (We are, in fact, registering for sheets and an electric toothbrush, but it still feels weird). What employee thought that was a good suggestion? It's awkward! I don't get it.

Panda Express and their fork stinginess: Every couple of weeks Dane and I have Panda Express as our Friday night dinner "out". I pick it up on my way home from work. I get 2 3-item meals (don't judge how much I eat, I eat the leftovers the next day, jerks). Sometimes I go through the drive-thru, sometimes I go in an order at the counter. But it's always 2 meals. And every time they give me 1 or NO fork(s)! Do I look like I'm going to eat both meals? Come on! And when they don't give me any forks: am I supposed to eat both meals with my hands? The Pandas in AZ are pros at the fork distribution. They give you two napkins and a fork for every meal. Perfection. They're good at the fortune cookie hand out too. Not here. These rookies are new in town and it shows. Just hand out the number of forks equal to the number of meals I got. Why is this so difficult for them? I don't get it.

Dorothy Lynch salad dressing: For everyone who doesn't live in Nebraska or Iowa, Dorothy Lynch dressing is this hugely popular dressing that you can only find in the Midwest. Everyone here is obsessed with it. They talk about it like you're stupid for not knowing what is it and they're all shocked that it's not a national product. Um... here's the thing: it IS a national product. Except everywhere else, we just call it French dressing. So get off your Midwestern high horse and relax. We've all had it before but aren't obsessed with it because French dressing sucks. Stop acting like it's such a big deal, no one cares. I don't get it.

Husker football: The is by far the most annoying part of living in Nebraska. I don't mind the cold and I don't mind the snow, but the obsession with the local college football team makes me want to punch babies. It's a college football team. They're in the Holiday Bowl against Washington. I don't want to ruin the ending for you, but Nebraska's going to win. Get a hobby. Might I suggest building a Macy's or Nordstrom? Because I would much rather hear about those things than your silly football team. Maybe if they were a professional team, I'd care. But they're not, so I don't. Stop acting like Husker football is a religion. I'm Presbyterian, not Huskerian. I don't get it.

How Bravo thinks this new sham of a show The Fashion Show is somehow going to make up for their lack of Project Runway: Um... no. I don't know these people, I don't care about their designs, and I'd like to know why Iman is so angry all the time. You had the perfect fashion design show and you blew it. Don't try to make up for it now with Isaac Mizrahi. But you're lucky, this week's episode with the Housewives may have just saved you. But only because you got Dina from NJ. Don't think this success of me watching is going to continue for much longer. Why would you ever get rid of Project Runway?! I don't get it.

Those commercials for medical assistant schools: They always go something like this: "I used to hate my job, but then after a few short months at this craptacular school, I have a great job where I work alongside doctors!" Ok let's start off at the beginning on this one: I feel there are very few careers worth doing that take "only a few short months" of school to be prepare for. But that's not even the big picture here. The big picture is how we're supposed to believe that working alongside doctors is some kind of dream come true. Now if you happen to have a career that coincidentally is near where doctors work, (ie R.N.) then good for you. Your job is legit. But whatever it is that these "few short months" careers entail, I can assure you that the treat of working alongside a doctor is not going to make up for it. Because where is the prize in working alongside a doctor? You know who's going to be a doctor? Dane. You know who I would never want to work alongside? Dane. Clearly, I'm a pretty big fan of Daneish. In our at-home, non-work related lives. Dane wouldn't want to work alongside me and vice versa. I'm annoying and fake at work. Dane will be a stubborn, egotistical asshole at work. I pity the people who will have to work with him. At least in our relationship, I can tell him to shut the hell up and we can bicker and go back to having fun together. You can't do that at work. Especially if your coworker is a doctor and you went to school "for a few short months". Just sayin', that confrontation is not going to go your way or end in your favor. I don't care if this one makes me sound like an bitch with a bachelors degree. This bitch worked hard for that degree. Let's talk about people who are too lazy to go to real college. I don't get it.

People who "don't really watch tv": um... why the hell not? People who say crap like that are usually the most annoying people ever. And watching the Real Housewives or The Sing-Off never hurt anyone! So stop being pretentious and watch some freaking tv. Maybe it'll help remove that stick from your ass. And while you're at it, stop trying to talk to me about music like it matters. My favorite kind on music? Christmas music. So stop acting all hipster on me and leave me alone. Watch some Bravo and then we'll talk.  But not watching tv? I don't get it.

Why wine is so expensive: it's old grapes, right? They take grapes and smash them and then let them go bad while they sit in old barrels. Why does this gross process allow them to charge so much for a bottle of the fermented smashed grapes? I will admit, it's clearly delicious, so that adds some cost to the yummy, but where does the rest of the price come into play? Stop making me poor just so I can enjoy a glass of wine after a long day of dealing with the general public! Why must wine be so out of my budget? I don't get it.

Why iPhone users are such assholes. There's no story behind this one because everyone is fully aware of it. If you have an iPhone, you're probably an asshole. Congrats on being the friend that nobody likes. I don't care about all of the things your phone can do that my blackberry can't. I don't use my blackberry to its full capacity as it is, I don't need to add an annoying touch screen and an elitist attitude to become an iPhone user.  So suck it. If it's so simple and user-friendly, why are you such an asshole? I don't get it.

Alright folks, that's all I have for now. We all know there are millions of other things I don't get. These are simply the ones that stand out to me right now. Peace out from Omaha! And just in case I don't get the chance to blog before the holidays, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! (btw, eff you in advance to everyone who wishes me a "Happy New Year's". You're a grammatical idiot and I hate you)

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